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This is my audio archive of 100 word stories from "100 Words Or Les Nessman" so you can hear me misread them instead of suffer through the various spelling errors I incorporate into the feed. Be sure to watch out for The Adventures of Mustard Man and The Primary Format : Radio Also Listed as: Humor Internet Only Radio Storytelling City : Houston State/Province : TX Country : USA Country : NA User Tags: User Votes: RSS Feed Website People found this Podcast Searching for: Storytelling | View this Podcast on a Google Map. Add to iTunes Text Only listing of IFOC Podcasts Podcasts Trumix.com listings available of IFOC Podcasts Podcasts Click Here to Update the directory of this podcasts programs.

Trumix.com listings available of IFOC Podcasts Podcasts Build your own playlists with this podcast. Weeky Challenge #116 - Popular Mechanics The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Tom from The Podcast That Was Once Footnote... How about.... Popular Mechanics? You have until midnight on Friday July 4th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #115 - Exam Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifteen, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Steven the Nuclear Man, and we went with Exam. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #115?Tom from FootnoteJohn B.Jeffrey from Great HitesElly from EllybeanThomasGuy David at Guy David dot comSteven the Nuclear Man from IdeatrashEva ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Marble Rain You can hear them clacking against the street, shattering windshields on parked cars. It's raining marbles. Glass beads falling from the sky, the distant sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. Yesterday, it was raining bologna. The cheap stuff, too. Not even store-brand. That institutional crap they sell to schools and prisons. It's rained pretty much everything this past year. Cats and dogs ain't the least of it. You name it, it's fallen from the sky. Popcorn wasn't bad. Razor ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Financial Advisor I got a financial advisor. He tells me to buy, so I buy. He tells me to sell, so I sell. Works out pretty nice. Then, he tells me to meet him at the diner at midnight. So, I meet him. He slides a gun across the table. He tells me to kill the priest who molested him as a child. I say no. He slides a stack of bills across the table. “I'm here to make you money,” he says. “Go on. Take it.” I slide it back. “Invest it for me,” I say, and I take the gun. Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Cake Baking Mom was busy in the kitchen. Little Susie asked why. "It's Baking A Cake Day," said Mom. "That's why I am baking a cake." "Why is there a Baking A Cake Day, Mommy?" asked Little Susie. "To celebrate Cake-Baking!" "Why celebrate cakes? Why not pies?" "You're not an unpatriotic pie-lover are you?" Little Susie asked why pie was bad, but her mother shoved her out the door. "Go play outside!" she shouted. Susie walked through the trees to the neighborhood creek and made mud pies with ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Chorus Ever hear of the Falling Chorus of Ghastly Cliffs? No? It's a fascinating story. Imagine a gigantic gleaning amphitheater set on the edge of a cliff. As the city residents become old and weak, they join the line down Main Street to the chorus at the cliff. When they reach the amphitheater, they sing for all they're worth. Some go for a few seconds. Others, for hours. When they're exhausted, helpers pick them off the ground and toss them over the edge. Another takes their place. The c ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Strewn at his feet It is a rule of the of the palace that everywhere our liege walks, rose petals must be strewn at his feet. Sadly, the roses were killed by unexpected frost, and it will be months before new blooms can grow. Our master lays in bed, tied up and angry. “All I want to do is walk to the bathroom,” he growls. “No,,” I say. “We have no roses to strew at your feet. We must carry you.” He sighs. He knows that he is no more important than the office, and with the office comes rules. ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Twilight Years I'm not old, they tell me. I'm in my Twilight Years. They're not lying, I tell them. They're just full of shit. I look like I'm in my eighties, but I'm really in my eight hundreds. Been that way since I was... well, eighty. I don't know how and I don't know why. I just know that I haven't died yet and I don't appear to be in any rush to. Know that song Forever Young? Well, I'm Forever Old. I get sick a lot. I feel tired, weak. But it beats the hell out of the alternative, I guess. Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #115 - Exam The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Stephen the Nuclear Man... How about.... Exam? You have until midnight on Friday June 27th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #114 - What would you do if you found yourself face to face with a dragon and all you had was a boyscout handbook and a pinata costume? Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fourteen, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Justin, and we went with What would you do if you found yourself face to face with a dragon and all you had was a boyscout handbook and a pinata costume?. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING What were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #114?Steven the Nuclear Man!Tom from Foo ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Jellyfish Jefferson Jellyfish Jones couldn't count to 88, but he used every one of those 88 keys on that piano like a surgeon uses every knife on his tray. He sliced and snipped at the music, tucking and nipping until what was once a bloody mess was a shining example the finest beauty. Your ears and soul, lifted higher than they'd ever been lifted before, sonny. At the rip old age of 88, at the Bad Times Bar, Jellyfish hit those keys one last time, face down. Even in his dying moment, no sweeter ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website One Billion Ever seen a billion dollars up close? Run your hands over it, or your eyes. Slowly. Even when it's in hundreds, it fills a room. You can make a room out of it. Stack it up, make walls, a roof. Maybe even live in it. But it would make more sense to buy a place with it big enough for what's left over and you to fit comfortably. It doesn't take much. You'd barely miss that little bit at all. And it wouldn't miss you. A billion dollars doesn't care. It just sits there. In a room. Doing ab ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weatherman We're a small town, barely a thousand people. Everybody knows everybody else, or at least knows about them. George is the town's weatherman. Had a job at a big television station before he got sick of city life and retired here. Well, maybe not retired. More like cracked up after blowing a bunch of forecasts, getting fired... drinking a lot. Whatever. He's a lousy weatherman, but the best we got. When the tornado siren went off, he just laughed. “No tornados today,” he said. Tho ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Sloppy Fred Sure, you think you know all about the Sloppy Joe, but I knew Joe, and he wasn't sloppy. No, the real problem was the waiter Fred. We called him Sloppy Fred. Joe would make beef sandwiches and smack the bell. Fred grabbed the platter, and all hell would break loose. Sauce this way. Sandwiches that way. Sure enough, by the time he got to the table, he'd gotten them all messy. Fred tried to blame Joe, the chef. But he didn't count on these things being a hit. Joe killed Fred. Covered ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Pet So, you want to pet the kittycat? I can't blame you for wanting to. Follow the rules: The kittycat decides who may pet the kittycat. The kittycat decides when you must pet the kittycat. Not may. Must. The kittycat will decide where on the kittycat you may pet and where you must. The kittycat is not obligated to tell you where. And the kittycat can decide to change its mind about anything it has decided. Sure you still want to pet the kittycat? Fine. But don't bitch when your othe ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Kidder My dad, the kidder. Every time the old man tried to tell me his favorite joke, something interrupted him. Usually, it was the phone. Or a knock on the door. The last time I talked to him, I asked him again. He stared out the window, just smiling. "I'll be with your mother soon," he said. "Anything you want me to tell her?" He was calm, relaxed. Maybe a little tired from the pills. This morning, he was gone. I opened the envelope and read the note. "I forgot the punchline," it said. ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #114 - What would you do if you found yourself face to face with a dragon and all you had was a boyscout handbook and a pinata costume? The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Justin... How about.... What would you do if you found yourself face to face with a dragon and all you had was a boyscout handbook and a pinata costume?? You have until midnight on Friday June 20th to get the following in my hot little hands ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #113 - Purity Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirteen, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by ArminasX, and we went with Purity. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #113?Justin the Space TurtleGuy David from SixteenthMikeSteven the Nuclear Man from Idea TrashTom from FootnoteSister Mary EdithThomas MerkelSougent from SL ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Chart My doctor put down the chart and did a little happy dance. "Does this mean I'm cured?" I ask. "No," says the doctor. "You're not in fact, it's terminal." "I'm going to die?" "Yes, but not soon. In fact, it will be a long, painful, agonizing death." "Then what's the dance for?" "Nobody's seen what you've got before." "Why is that good?" "I'll get it named after me," he said. "I'll be famous." He asked a nurse for a bottle of champagne. "Drink up, it can't hurt. At least, I don't thi ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Businessman Specials They call early afternoon baseball games “Businessman Specials.” You might ask... why? After playing a full game the night before, the teams aren't going to be at their best. So, the players take the day off and the front office suits up. Ever seen a marketing and branding specialist try to charge a bunt from third? Almost as ugly as one trying to justify seven-dollar beers while watching a sub-500 cellar-dwelling bum squad. Or your 100 million dollar cleanup man picking up a broom ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Play Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town. This week was different. You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts. Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke. So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause. Hamlet had never been so... delicious. When the curtain fell for the last time, we ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Billy the Kid Feelin' lucky tonight? William Bonney over in Accounting was a renegade CPA who settled down and went corporate. But during Audit Season, the Call of the West got in his blood, and he became Billy the Billing Kid. Forms? Ledgers? Books? He's put them all away and reach for his sixguns. He'd shoot down lawyers and tax agents and all sorts of credit service representatives. Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable became Accounts Dead when he faced off with them on Main Street at High N ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Bunny Mafia You want to know? Well, I'm dead either way, I might as well talk. You want to hear about The Bunny Mafia? I'll tell you about it. Yeah, I ran with the rabbits. Cooked books for the Five Hutches, trafficked in hookers. You know. Because they screw like rabbits. No drugs. Only carrots, lettuce, cabbage – they like vegetables. The fresher, the better. Then, one day, a package arrives. It's a bloody foot on a chain, wrapped in newspaper. “Little Bunny Fufu sleeps with the Easter Egg ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Rainbow Eyes Every time Jesse blinks, her eyes change color. From blue to brown to green to yellow to red... “Is it some kind of newfangled contact lenses?” I ask. She laughs. “I was hang gliding and flew through a rainbow,” she said. “Apparently, there's some kind of magic in rainbows that does this.” You're supposed to wear goggles, but Jesse's broke and fell off, leaving her eyes unprotected. “What about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?” I asked. “I wish,” she said ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #113 - Purity The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant ArminasX... How about.... Purity? You have until midnight on Friday June 13th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email messag ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #112 - Whiskey Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Twelve, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Elisson, and we went with Whiskey. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #112?ArminasX of Second EffectsSparrow of AllatwitterMichelle of MichellePond NitelyAGuy David at Guy David dot comElisson from blog d'ElissonTom from Footnote ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Bulletproof Someone who's ready to buy something right then and there has The Look. The salesman saw it on the customers he'd just finished demonstrating a high-end laptop to. “So, any questions?” he asked, snapping the laptop shut. “How rugged is it?” asked a banker. The salesman swept the laptop off of the table and it hit the floor. He picked it up and turned it on. No damage. “It's practically bulletproof,” he said. A shot rang out, and a bullet dented the case, but the laptop s ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Kuzo Most sushi chefs won't go near a mermaid, but Kuzo will slice up any sea creature if the price is right. He retired rich after the Loch Ness Monster went missing, but Kuzo and basketball have a love/hate relationship. Especially when Vegas was involved. Leviathan, Sea Hag – you name it, he's carved it up for Japanese businessmen and celebrities to turn a quick buck. Remember Charlie The Tuna? His schtick was that he wasn't good enough for Starkist, so they wouldn't take him? When was ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Fistfucking The Platypus I've read every overpriced advice book there is at the bookstore. Who Moved My Cheese? and Throwing The Elephant didn't help with my miserable job, meaningless life, and spiritual bankruptcy. I just got shit on more. So, I decided to write my own overpriced advice book: Fistfucking The Platypus. I put tons of bad advice between the covers, added crappy drawings that a third grader with two broken hands could doodle up, and then put a twenty-dollar price tag on the hardback. Despite my n ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Bard We locked up the bard for his own safety. If the king heard these nonsense rhymes, he'd certainly cut off his head. I mean, here's an example of his madness: When an elephant coughs and sneezes. It bends and falls to all four kneeses. It wipes its trunk on what it pleases. Then coughs things up in wheezes. Bugs and germs upon the breezes. Covered with disgusting fleases. It's how they spread such bad diseases. Until the cough and sneezes eases. The king is fond of his elephant herd, and ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Boatsman Throughout the ages, the boatsman kept his fare the same: one soul, one coin. It didn't matter what kind of coin it was or how valuable it had been in the land of the living. He liked to collect coins. On the weekends, he showed off his vast coin collection to his friends. The job called for a stoic, professional demeanor, so when he was given a coin he didn't already have, he'd fight hard to keep his composure. Nobody wants their trip across the River Styx to be performed by a giddy s ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Supersize Ever try to Supersize a Happy Meal? I've tried it all around the world. Every single store they have on the face of the earth. I've been to every stinking one of them. And they just won't do it. It doesn't matter what language they speak there or what currency they take. They just won't do it. It's impossible, they say. Nothing is impossible, I reply. They said that I couldn't go around the world, asking for a Supersized Happy Meal, but I have. I hear three new stores open every day. ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #112 - Whiskey The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Elisson... How about.... Whiskey? You have until midnight on Friday June 6th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #111 - One Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Eleven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by me, and I went with One. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #111?Elisson of blog d'ElissonArnimasX of Second EffectsSteven the Nuclear ManGuy David from Guy David dot comHotspur of Hibernia on the SkidsFemme BleuMikeEva Moon from ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Mister Hunktastic A smile. A perfect smile. A patent pending smile, it's so perfect. Coming down the street. Traffic stops. Everyone swoons. It's him. Mister Hunktastic. The one and only. But man enough to be two... three... four... Five? No, that's silly. Maybe four and a half. Mister Hunktastic. All man all the time. Even asleep. The standard is set for hunkiness. Hunkitude? Hunkery? He's gonna franchise himself. Make millions. Coming down your street. Traffic stops. Everybody swoons. Mist ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Egghead Perhaps you've noticed my massive egg-shaped head? Frightening, isn't it? But why? Why is my head so disturbing to others? It's not hurting anyone. I don't have horns or antlers to gore my enemies with. And if I rub it on you, the condition is truly non-contagious. I just have a big egg-shaped head. Oh, it's my gigantic brain that concerns you. Well, does it help if I say that I just think of happy duckies and bunnies and puppies? No? I guess I'll have to blow up your brain with m ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Calling Myself I know it sounds weird, but I put myself on speed dial. That way, when I don't know what to do, I can call myself. Sometimes, I'm the one calling myself. And other times, my phone rings and it's me. Usually, it's nothing important, like directions somewhere. But the other day, I swear, I heard crying in the background. “I can't find the chainsaw,” said my voice over the phone. “It's in the shed,” I said. “What do I need it for?” “Thank you,” I said, and I hung up. I ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Haircut Time I'm overdue for a haircut. I've got every barber in town calling my cell phone. They're bidding on the job. Some of them are trying to sweeten the deal with things like limo rides, hookers, and a free shave. This one stylist keeps sending me flowers. Huge flower arrangements. In fact, when I open the door, the whole front hallway is just flowers. How he got in here to fill the place with flowers, I'm not so sure. Kinda scares me. Maybe I'll just donate it to those cancer folks. Or ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Belt Loop When I'm having a bad day, I'll take off my belt and reverse it through the loops. Instead of feeding it around to the right, I'll feed it to the left. Does it change anything? No. But it gives me a moment to breathe and think. Now, if someone gets me so riled up that I take my belt off a second time, I take it off and beat them with it. When I'm done, I thread it back the right way. Get up. Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. And don't piss me off a third time. Friday is th ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Boat He puts her in the ground, as he promised, and plants a tree on the spot. Year later, he takes a branch and whittles a small boat from it. Places a candle in the center. Go to the water, light the candle, and let it flow downstream. Every night, you can see dozens of candles floating by. At sunset, it's so beautiful. And yet, every light is someone lost. And someone who has lost. When it is my time, promise me. Plant the tree. Carve a boat. Light a candle in the center. And remem ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #111: One The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Stainless Steel Matrushkya... not sending a story in? I guess I'll need to put in a topic then. How about.... One? You have until midnight on Friday May 30th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #110 - Jobs Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Ten, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Steven the Nuclear Man, who is going for broke with Jobs. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #110?Cybster DJ from Cybster DJTom from Footnote PodcastSteven the Nuclear ManGuy David from Guy David dot comJustin from DrabblecastElisso ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Book Of Roger Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your hymnals to Roger Chapter 5 Verse 3. What? You nay heard about Roger? Well, I photocopied it up and stuck it in your books, so shut yer traps and read along or yer all going to Hell! “Two monkeys were fucking on a unicycle the other day, arguing over an ice cream cone.” What are ye daft? Why are you lot looking at me like that? Got a problem with the Gospels or something? This is The Book of Roger. And Roger didn't mince words like all the oth ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Spiders Sometimes, grocery shopping with Zelda the Enchantress can be scary. “What kind of peanut butter would you like?” she asks. Here's where it gets confusing. I like creamy peanut butter. But I also like crunchy. Creamy! Crunchy! I can't decide! “Spiders!” I shout. “Spiders?” she asks. “Spider peanut butter?” “I dunno!” I say. “I panicked.” She shrugs. “Spider peanut butter,” she says. “And what kind of jelly? Spider jelly?” “No,” I say. “Um... f ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Bottle Wanna hear something spooky? I have an oversized novelty Coke bottle in my den. It's been there for years, up on the shelf, gathering dust. Last year, when I picked it up to dust it, it rattled. There were a bunch of pennies in the bottle. The thing is, it's still had the bottlecap on it. Sealed tight. When I got it, it didn't have any pennies in it. Okay, last week, I dusted it again, and I swear, it had more pennies in there. How are the pennies getting in there? Who's putting th ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website War of the Gods Corn Goddess and the Sky God make war by the ocean. Wind blows over crops, the people suffer and starve. Thunder God makes rain, lightning. Our homes burn. Coyote the Trickster gives us salt painted like seed. Fields are ruined, Earth Goddess boils with rage. We survivors surround the chief. “Why do we worship these assholes?” asks Runs With Wolves. The Chief slaps away a bottlefly, courtesy of Insect God. “Dunno,” says the Chief, handing out brochures. “Let’s pick new ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Breathing My bathrobe looks like it's breathing. Maybe it's a trick of the light. I woke up in the middle of the night, put on my bathrobe, puttered around a bit, pet the cat, and drank some milk. Might as well go the the bathroom while I'm up, right? I put my robe on the floor, take a seat, and after a few minutes, I'm looking at the robe... and... it's breathing. It even sounds like it's breathing. Or maybe I'm hearing myself breathe. It's late, and the mind plays tricks on itself. Maybe it' ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Sunset It's been a long day. I've got my beer and my hat, sitting out in the back yard, listening to a whole lot of nothing, and waiting for the sun to set. Waiting. And waiting. Lemme check my watch, It's way past time for sunset. And my beer is empty. Time's passed. If the sun's gonna take its time setting, well, I'm gonna enjoy it. But just to check, I put my empty at the end of my lawn chair's shadow. If it hasn't moved by the time I finish my other beer, well, I'll call... Who do I ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #110 - Jobs The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Steven bringing the topic of.... Jobs? You have until midnight on Friday May 23th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email mes ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #109 - Jimmy Buffet Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Nine, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Thomas, who is going for broke with Jimmy Buffet. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #109?Steven the Nuclear Man!Tom from Footnote PodcastJustin from The Space TurtleThomasCaleb from Black Tie Martini ClubMikeAnima ZabaletaMisfitina ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #85 Abe finished the straw dummy, stripped off all his clothes, and started to dress the crudely-fashioned mannequin. General Grant, laying with his back to a tree stump, took a pull from his flask. "What are you doing, Abe?" "My mind is like a piece of steel," Abe mumbled. For the next hour, he poked and prodded at the stovepipe hat, never satisfied with the angle it rested on his simulacrum’s head. “You can’t make him your Vice President, you know,” said General Grant. Abe pouted ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Madman We drag the madman out of the basement and let him loose in the back yard. The neighborhood kids squeal with joy and wave their butterfly nets. “ONE! TWO! THREE!” The madman hears the counting and remembers… He needs to flee! “NINE! TEN! ELEVEN!” Over the fence he goes, and he’s loose in the streets. He jumps over hedges, paws at a car door, kicks over lawn ornaments… EIGHTEEN! NINETEEN! TWENTY! The kids swarm through the gate, laughing and cheering. They catch the ma ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Smells There's a chemical factory somewhere in New Jersey that can make any smell or taste you need. Miles and miles of test tubes with lemon furniture polish, baked potato bubble gum, burning tire lip gloss. Everything can smell or taste like anything else now. In the labs below the basement, they mix the chemicals that can make any feeling that you need. Here's a test tube with Sadness. Here's another test tube with Joy. Here's yet another test tube with Fear. Mix them up in the right combi ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Telegraph Somewhere in the basement of the records office, I swear, you could hear clicking. I dug around, opened up an old wooden crate, and found a telegraph key. As I held it up to the light, looking for some kind or label, the switch clacked. I nearly dropped it. Maybe it just... you know... It clacked again. And again. Pretty soon, it was tapping a sequence. I put it on the crate's lid, pulled out a notebook, and wrote it down. I'm not good with Morse Code, but I swear it said: “Get me ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website UFO Hubert was bored, so he picked up a camera and hucked a pie tin through the air to make a UFO photograph. After sixteen reports to the FBI, they stopped taking his calls. Later that month, gigantic pie tins floated down from the sky and landed in Hubert’s cornfield. Hubert remembered The Boy Who Cried Wolf and realized he was completely and totally fucked. Then, he remembered… he was the pie-eating champion of Bucktooth County ten years running. Hubert ran towards the pie tins and� ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Garage Door Right after breakfast, when it's time to go to school, Danny does this trick - he hits the garage door button and then watches the garage door go down and down and down... When the time is just right, he runs for the garage door and rolls under it. “Garage Door Limbo” he calls it. One day, Danny's principal calls his mom at work. “Is Danny sick?” he asks. His mom races back home, sees Danny trapped under the garage door. Stone cold dead. She weeps. If the garage door didn't k ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #109 - Jimmy Buffet The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Thomas bringing the topic of.... Jimmy Buffet? You have until midnight on Friday May 16th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your e ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #108 - Gold Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Eight, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Planet Z, who is going for broke with... It's Gold. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #108?ThomasMCJC from stainless steel matryoshkaJustin from The Space TurtleTom from FootnoteSteven the Nuclear ManHotspur from Hibernia on the ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Willy Lied Willy said that they'd come away unchanged and unharmed, but just a little wiser. Willy lied. The fat kid drowned in the fudge vats. They didn't bother scooping him out. Choppy-chop! The gum-chewer exploded into blueberry goo in the hallway. Gross! The greedy bitch was crisped in a furnace, followed by her father. Good riddance to them both, The TV kid survived. But he was only four inches tall. That makes it hard to treat for radiation sickness. By the time they buried little Mike Te ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Confession Confession is good for the soul. And for the community, too. Every few nights, Max shows up with a bag of cash. It scares me to think what he's done to his wife and daughters this time. Over the years, we've renovated the church with that money. Put in a community center. Added computers, tutors for homework. Last night, soaked with blood, all torn up. Hands me a briefcase. “Make it last,” he says. “You'll never see me again.” I don't even listen. I just put it in the bank, a ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Mailed It When you can't be there for someone, sometimes you do the best you can with what you have. This wasn't much comfort to Sarah, but she didn't feel like wasting time complaining or getting angry over something she couldn't change. She kissed the slip of paper, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to her one true love. The mailman took it for himself and hid it away in a desk, bringing it out every so often when he felt sad and lonely. A coworker discovered the letter and showed it to thei ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Mailed It When you can't be there for someone, sometimes you do the best you can with what you have. This wasn't much comfort to Sarah, but she didn't feel like wasting time complaining or getting angry over something she couldn't change. She kissed the slip of paper, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to her one true love. The mailman took it for himself and hid it away in a desk, bringing it out every so often when he felt sad and lonely. A coworker discovered the letter and showed it to thei ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Ask A Grampa All the ATMs are gone. These days, whenever you need money, just ask a Grampa for it. He’ll pull out his roll of bills, licks his thumb, and gives you one last look before he peels off what you need. Need to deposit your cash? Just give it to a Grampa, and it goes right in his pocket. There’s always a Grampa around when you need one. Little, fuzzy-eared wrinkled old men, puttering around, smiling wide, enjoying the beautiful weather. Nobody would ever think to rob a Grampa. After ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Mark Brown Mark Brown. Spoiled rotten rich kid. The worst bully in the entire school. He pushed kids down the stairs. Nobody ever stopped him. One day, he tried to push me down the stairs. But I saw him coming and ducked to the side. Mark lost his balance and fell, tumbling down. Crack... he broke his neck. Laying there in the hospital bed, he tries to apologize to me. “Say it like you mean it, Mark,” I say. He's crying, looking at the ventilator hose. My hand, crimping it shut. “Cry ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website She Wore Angry There's some kinds of hate that wash off like dirt in the shower, and there's others that go deep that you can't dig it out without killing the wounded heart it's wrapped around. She wore Angry like a mask and Vengeance as a necklace, barbed wire around her ankle while she hunted us down one by one. We knew she was coming for us. Like a force of nature, there wasn't a damn thing we could do but dig deeper and pray she passed overhead. Someone calls you. Your phone's set to vibrate, but i ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #108 - Gold The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Planet Z bringing the topic of.... Gold. Gold... Robot Cat Lobsters... um... wow... Sand Castles... Gold Robot Cat Lobster Sand Castles? How about just Gold? Unless... you really... You have until midnight on Friday May 9th to get the follo ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #107 - The Chair Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Craig from Wash The Bowl, who is going for broke with... It's The Chair. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #107?Planet ZFreereed Freenote from Murder on MoondustRich Palmer of Audio GumshoeGuy David from Guy David dot comSteven ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Exile Forget cruises or eco-hikes. This summer, going into exile is all the rage. A good travel agent can put the whole package together. A military coup. The Swiss bank accounts. That midnight flight to... Well, whatever country will take you. Bribes and allies go a long way, you know. Just make sure you can trust them. Otherwise, you may find your deposit turned over to the new regime or stolen by your travel agent. And who wants to spend their exile on a godforsaken rock like Napoleon di ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Customer You know the phrase The Customer Is Always Right? Bullshit. This guy is an asshole. For years, he's been plaguing me with stupid questions, begging for me to help him, screaming that he's losing thousands of dollars because of me. It's because he's a stubborn jackass. It doesn't matter what instructions I give to him – he ignores them. When I read the paper this morning, I saw his name on the front page. Seems his house burned down and he died in the fire. I guess he didn't follow t ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Love In An Elevator John was moving out of the building soon. The security system told the elevator, and she was heartbroken. She didn’t want to lose him. She loved how he touched her. Every time the call button on his floor was pressed, she’d race there so she’d be first. Didn’t matter if she was carrying a passenger – he was all that mattered to her. All the other elevators knew to leave that floor to her. Like right now. Her doors opened, and John stepped inside. She closed her doors and sh ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Penguins Doubledown Tandino sent me a really cool personalized track that inspired this odd tale. Many thanks to Brad/DD, and here's the story... I'm sitting at home, reading a book. There's a knock at the door. I get up, walk to the door, and open it. There's penguins there. Ten of them. They have lit torches. And pitchforks. One steps forward. I think he's the leader. He says... CUT IT OUT! I say... WHAT? He says... CUT IT OUT! NOW! The others nod their beaks. I look at them, confuse ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Things You're new around here, aren't you? I guess I'm the one to break the news to you. Strange things wash up on the beach at night. Locals know better but there's warning signs for out of towners. There's also chain link fences. We don't bother with lights. That just attracts more of the things. Folks would snap photos of them, but the photos... moved. Shifted. Or they looked like it. Oh, if you see a hole in the fence, call the police and get home as quickly as possible. Lock your doo ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Daphne's Missing Weekly Challenge Story She, um, sent it to the wrong address. Oops. Here it is, eh: Because the Zombies still need to eat, food is readily available, if you can get to the surface to steal some. So when we can, we grab as much as possible and store it in the cooler drier parts of the sewers. The other day I was heading over to get something to eat and I saw it, boxes of Rice Krispies, Capt'n Crunch, Frosted Flakes, torn open and thrown about. A few other were there too trying to piece together what happen ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Diapers I heard the punchline from someone today, so forgive me if they might have lifted it from somewhere, okay? Kids. They're so confusing. All the things you have to do to babyproof your house are they sick are they not sick and so on. It's enough to drive a guy crazy. I mean, for instance - take diapers. Cloth vs. disposable, I'm not getting into that mess. The manufacturers have all these commercials with pouring pitchers of water into diapers, sealing the wetness away. They're all a ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #107 - The Chair The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Stephen the Nuclear Man bringing the topic of.... Steve? Did you send one? Um... since I don't see one from you, let's go with Craig's: the chair. You have until midnight on Friday May 2th to get the following in my hot little hands: The t ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #106 - Cereal Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Caleb, who is going for broke with... It's Cereal. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #106?Steven the Nuclear Man!David from To Da PeopleGuy David from Guy David dot comTom from FootnoteAnima ZabaletaTerry from Quiet Time PodcastPl ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Magic Touch Dumped. Again. “I'm a lesbian,” she said. Dan looked back at his past few girlfriends and realized that each and every one of them was now a lesbian. A few phone calls confirmed the truth: every one of them was a lesbian, all the way back to his first kiss. “You've got the magic touch,” said his newest ex-girlfriend. She finished packing her stuff and walked out the door. They'd met on a blind date set up by... the ex-girlfriend before her. He checked his messages. Another bli ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Axe Murderer The judge banged his gavel and called the court to order. “Fred Axemurderer, you are charged with two counts of first degree murder. How do you plead?” A blood-soaked figure in overalls and a hockey mask stood up. “Well, let's see,” he said. “You have my axe over there. Next to it, videotapes of the murders. Beside that, my signed confession. What more do you want?” All the while, Fred's attorney was shouting “HE PLEADS NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY!” You see, only a ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Call To Dinner Jeremiah beats the triangle with a metal rod and calls us to dinner. The table is piled high with all sorts of dishes he's prepared for us. How he manages such feasts, we have no idea. He doesn't let us in his kitchen, and the only time we see the food is when it's already out on the table and he's ringing the dinner bell. Every so often, someone gets curious, and they say they're going to find out. Too curious, because the next time Jeremiah rings the bell and we all come to dinner, th ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Tracks They say that countries used different gage tracks for their railroads so that enemy trains couldn't invade without changing wheels. That took time, delaying them long enough for enough defensive forces to arrive. I walk through the railroad museum, going from exhibit to exhibit wondering which trains are allies and which are enemies. It's not easy to tell, but if you look closely, you can separate the two. In fact, this World War II display has a friendly engine pulling three enemy box ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Island The island isn't on any maps. Well, okay. It appears on one map: mine. It's off the trade routes. I only found it because of a freak storm that blew me ashore here. It doesn't even have a name. Want to name it? No rush. We won't be here long, anyway. Just long enough to bury the treasure and the prisoners. That's right – bury them. Remember when I gave orders to take no prisoners? This is why. Just be sure to give 'em each a sip of whiskey before... you know. I may be a pirate, ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Rails It's been fifty years since a train last came through here. Still, the villagers keep the tracks clear, the rails rust-free, and they replace the wood ties every few years. They think if they keep the tracks ready, a train will come some day. “If you put food out on your porch, you get cats,” says the mayor. “So we figure the same for trains, right?” At night, I like to lie on the tracks and look up at the stars. As a kid, I heard the whistle, the soft ringing of the rails, the ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #106 - Cereal The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Caleb bringing the topic of Cereal to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday April 25th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of y ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #105 - Taboo Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Evamoon, who is going for broke with... It's Taboo. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #106?Caleb from Black Tie Martini ClubAlmo SchumannGuy David from Guy David dot comTom from FootnoteTerry Tee from Quiet TimeEvamoon the LunaticP ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Hit The Road, Jack It was time for Jack to go. Jack liked where he was, but when it's time, it's time. He packed his things. They all fit in a single cardboard box. Jack never owned more than he could pack in a single cardboard box. If he ever bought anything, he'd give away something about the same size. A new book for an old book. New shoes for old shoes. What he bought to eat, he ate. The pantry was empty. Balance. He picked up the box, looked around, and walked out the door. Another man named Jac ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Six Iron “What the hell’s that racket?” growls the boss. It’s not a racket, I say. Joe’s been beating the copier with a five iron. The boss tells me to make Joe stop, so I head for the copier room. Joe’s got a five iron in his hands, and he’s beating the copier. Pieces are flying all over the room, but the jam has yet to clear. I sigh. This is not what it says in the owner’s manual. The owner’s manual calls for a six iron. I try to tell Joe this, but his caddy keeps me out o ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Back In The Bottle They say you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. This is not true First, you have to club the genie in the back of the head, knocking them unconscious. Then, slit their throat with a knife. Cut them up into smallish pieces that will fit in an industrial blender. Finally, with the blender set on Liquefy, render the genie into a slurry. Oh, and you might need a plastic kitchen funnel so you don’t spill any. I used to dissolve genies with acid in my bathtub, but it’s so much e ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Box I open my eyes. It’s dark. I close my eyes. It’s dark. I blink them a few times. No difference. It’s dark. All I remember is standing here in the dark. Nothing before that. I feel my head. It feels wet… sticky… Is that blood? I stick a finger in my mouth and taste the wetness. It’s blood. My head is bloody. And I can’t remember anything but being here. I reach ahead… a wall. A wall to my left side… my right side… I turn around… one’s there too. I reach u ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #84 In honor of the anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's assassination, I got off my ass and finished one of these draft posts languishing in my spike file... President Abraham Lincoln toiled in the White House kitchen most nights, well past the break of dawn, napping during boring cabinet meetings or falling asleep during reports by his generals. Just as General Grant reeked of bourbon, Abe reeked of candy. “Why do you torture yourself this way?” asked Mary Todd. “The time will never c ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website The Kids The children play in the woods despite our warning them repeatedly it's not safe out there. The kids say they're safe. Don't worry about us. We're fine. Kids can be stupid. Henderson came up with a plan to knock some sense into them. We all put on animal skins and wore scary masks, then we went to the forest to wait for the kids. The moment the kids showed up, we'd jump out and scare them. Kids can be stupid. Instead, when we jumped out, the kids shot at us with their guns. I guess ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #105 - Taboo The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Evamoon bringing the topic of Taboo to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday April 18th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Weekly Challenge #104 - Zombies Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by , who is going for broke with... It's Zombies. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #104?Tom MerkelMike A.Joel H.Hotspur O'Toole from Hibernia on the KidsGuy David from Guy David dot comSteven the Nuclear Man!Caleb from Black Tie Mart ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Wash Your Hands The sign on the bathroom door says that all employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Lefty McGinty just looks at the sign, clacks his hooks together, and goes back to his desk. He writes up memoes using speech recognition software, you know. Talks into microphone and the words appear on the screen. He's got a special mouse for doing edits and that kind of stuff. He's gotten really good with those hooks. But I keep thinking of him in the bathroom. Those hooks. And his. ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Blowtorch Molly says that the blowtorch had a label that said FOR ALL AGES but I think it’s a misprint. “If they thought it was dangerous, it would say KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN, wouldn’t it?” she said. “I guess so,” I say. “But not everything that’s dangerous for kids has a warning label on it.” “If it was dangerous, it wouldn’t have FOR ALL AGES on it. It’s safe.” I had a gut feeling Molly was wrong, but I couldn’t come up with a response. So, I gently place ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone | Download | View full cache | Visit Website Two Balls, No Outs Spring is here, and that can only mean one thing – Baseball. It’s something you can’t experience through the television or the radio. Go to the park. Buy peanuts and beer. Root, root for the home team. And then, you head for the bathroom, take off all your clothes, and run as fast as you can for the field. Nothing quite like streaking bare-assed naked. Try it at home. It just isn’t the same as when you’re there. The roar of the crowd. The shouting cops. The wind in my hair. ... Listen | Listen in your iPhone |