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IFOC Podcasts Podcasts

PodcastDirectory / Variety / Radio
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This is my audio archive of 100 word stories from "100 Words Or Les Nessman" so you can hear me misread them instead of suffer through the various spelling errors I incorporate into the feed. Be sure to watch out for The Adventures of Mustard Man and The

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Corn Dogs

There's nothing quite like a fresh hand-dipped corn dog at the county fair. These aren't the pre-processed ones you get at the state fair or the grocery store. You can watch as they pull a hot dog out of the kettle, spear it with a stick, dip it in the batter, and dangle it in the hot oil. Look behind the curtain, and you'll see the batter-maid milking a batter-cow into pails, hot dogs picked straight from a hot dog tree, and the oil pumped straight from the Great Vegetable Oil River. A ...

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There will be peace when the Gnomes love their children more than they hate us

In the nursery, we keep it simple: babies coming in equals babies going out. Come up short, and security checks the tapes before “Stolen Baby” makes the evening news. But when we come up with extra, that’s worse. "Damn those Gnomes," said Nurse Riley. "They sneak their agents into nurseries to infiltrate our species." This giggling, squirming lump in a standard-issue diaper is no child. Riley pointed out the beard-stubble and bright red shaving rash. The look in her eyes: sadnes ...

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Envelopes

Ted says that you can use your underwear twice by turning it inside out. That's good to know, Ted, I say. What's weird is that he does the same thing with envelopes. I didn't know that you could do that with envelopes, turning them inside out and addressing them again, but Ted can do it. He's really good with folding paper. Now, this only works with plain white envelopes, mind you. If you do this with a packing envelope, you can't write on the packing material they glue to the inside ...

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Treasure

Some say buried among the stones and markers lies mankind's greatest treasure. Not gold, not silver, not precious stones. It's something we all seek, sometimes even beg for. We all have it. It's within us all, so hard to give, and harder to accept. And hardest of all, even though it is within us, we find it hardest to give to ourselves. Time and time again, they come here for it. Rarely do they find it. It can't be taken. It may be too late to beg the dead for forgiveness, but it is ...

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Punisher

The Mystic Sisters have a good racket going. One's a punisher for hire, taking clients down into her dungeon and beating them within an inch of their lives. A few days later, they see the fortune-teller sister, the one who read bruises instead of palms. Sometimes, guys go into the dungeon but don't go to the fortune-teller. Other times, they see the fortune-teller, but they got their bruises elsewhere. And then, well, one day, the punisher limps into her sister's house. She's got two bl ...

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A Night On The Beach

I wake up and shake the sand from my shoes. This happens every morning. But I haven't been to the beach in years. Only in my dreams. Sometimes, there's driftwood in my hand, seaweed wrapped around my ankle. Salt in my hair from the ocean spray. On a shelf over my mirror, I've put my seashell collection. All these things, I dream of. And bring back with me. When I dream of you, take my hand, and let me bring you back. I will leave my sadness on the sands of my dreams. To be washed a ...

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Counting Sheep

In light of the news that Nick Wilson/57 Miles shitcanned one of my favorite grid podcasts Second Rant with Prokovy Neva over apparent Crimes Against Muttonity, I wrote this happy little story: Oh, sure, you think those sheep you count to get to sleep are sweet and innocent, but I know better. It's a conspiracy. The counting sheep want to take over the world. I was only pretending to sleep the other night when the sheep came by for me to count. I closed my eyes and made snoring sounds, ...

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And back again

The princess needed to smuggle gold from one castle to the other without thieves knowing. Ruplestiltskin was long banished into nothingness, but his spinning-wheel remained. So, she spun the wheel backwards, turning gold into straw. She sent out the straw with farmers, and then the princess with her spinning wheel afterwards. Brilliant, she thought. The next day, the carts were loaded up with the straw and sent out. Soon after, the princess began her journey. Midway there, she found ...

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Unicorns

I hate unicorns. I especially hate the ones that leave a trail of sparkles everywhere they go. Sparkles turn to soggy ash after a while. You see the sparkly herd of unicorns prancing and running, but I have to deal with the disgusting grey piles they leave behind. Speaking of piles, did you know that unicorns do not shit rainbows? If you don't know what they shit, then you don't want to know. Just sit there in your fantasy bubble with unicorns and rainbows and sparkles. One day, you' ...

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Weekly Challenge #176 - On the line

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Lynda. And the topic is On the line. You have until midnight on Friday September 4 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can go to s ...

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Weekly Challenge #175 - A Full Set

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seventy-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's A Full Set. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of the week?Lynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.com/J RadimusDanny from http://dannymachal.comErin from http://www.connected2christ.comNorval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook. ...

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The Gamblers

Vinnie and Joey liked to gamble. They were always betting each other about this or that. Especially about their hits. They were hitmen, you see. Joey liked to play How Much Money Is In Their Wallet? Sure, they always split the take, just like they split the contracts. One day, they took a contract, but the hit didn't happen. By the time they realized he'd skipped town, Joey and Vinnie were picked up. Right before they were tossed off the roof of the building, Vinnie said "I bet you ...

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The Field Manual

To be caught behind enemy lines is a dangerous thing, but as long as you have a flute, you'll be fine. The Army Field Manual has all sorts of unusual regulations like this one: Leaving guns out for the Bullet Fairy to reload. Smearing mud over your eyes to make you invisible to your enemies. Licking a jeep's steering wheel to make it start. I'm on my third highlighter already. Maybe it's some kind of sick joke? Someone's pulling a prank on me? Then I look at the publishing credits: Pub ...

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The Good Dishes

We keep the good dishes in a cupboard and only take them out for special occasions. On the other hand, we keep the evil dishes in an iron-bound wooden chest in the basement. They rattle and clatter angrily in their prison, demanding to be set free. Not a chance. The last time we let them out, they gave the mayor and his wife food poisoning. We've tried to destroy them, but every time we break a plate or a dish, the pieces reassemble themselves the next morning. It's best to keep them l ...

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Poland

It's rare to find a travel agency these days. Websites have all but eliminated the industry. Maybe it's just an old habit, but I still go to the travel agent downtown. I think it's the desks, the window displays, and posters that draw me. One in particular. It's a beautiful valley scene, and below is written: "The Nazis were cruel fuckers and Poland is beautiful." Every other travel poster has a beautiful scene and the country or city name, but my eyes keep getting drawn back to the Pol ...

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Tevye and His Vertebrae

Tevye lay in the mud, staring at the sky, silently cursing the people of Anatevka. He had tried to explain how living was hard, with so many challenges and problems to balance. Nobody understood. So, he said “it’s like a fiddler on the roof.” They still didn’t understand. So, he got out his violin, climbed on the roof, and tried to play it to show them how shaky he was. “Tradition keeps us balanced!” he shouted. And fell. He couldn’t move. His neck was broken. His wif ...

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Father and Son

Dan taught his son how to ride a bike, how to shave, how to tie a tie, and all the little things that fathers teach sons. Many years later, after the stroke, Dan's son taught him to speak, how to shave, and how to tie a tie again. But instead of teaching him how to ride a bike, he went ahead and tried to teach his dad how to drive again. Big mistake. As Dan was loaded into the ambulance, he watched another father teach his young boy how to tie a tourniquet. They grow up so fast. He smi ...

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Boiling Point

Doctor Odd only received one F in his life. His chemistry teacher asked “What's the boiling point of mercury?” So, he built an orbiting doomsday laser and performed experiments on the planet Mercury. The next day, he presented his results. "I meant the element, not planet," she said. She gave him an F. The class laughed. Odd vowed revenge and transferred to a different high school. He didn't wait long to determine the boiling point of the old teacher, her class, and that entire d ...

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Weekly Challenge #174 - Over the falls in a barrel

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Rocky. And the topic is Over the falls in a barrel. You have until midnight on Friday August 21 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that peopl ...

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Weekly Challenge #173 - Over/Under

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seventy-Three, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Over/Under. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?CaledoniaDannyGuy DavidJustinErinDedricTJLyndaNorval JoePlanet Z  Free polls from Pollhost.com Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multi ...

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The folder is empty

This folder is empty. I don’t know if it had anything in it. I just know it’s empty now. I have no log entries about this folder. My log is empty, except for one entry: log file cleared. The name of the folder is Important Files. There are no files in the folder, important or not. Maybe they were so important, someone took them away from me. Why did they leave the folder? Did they want to see what I would do with it? I should delete it. And then clear the log fi- What was I tal ...

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The folder is empty

This folder is empty. I don’t know if it had anything in it. I just know it’s empty now. I have no log entries about this folder. My log is empty, except for one entry: log file cleared. The name of the folder is Important Files. There are no files in the folder, important or not. Maybe they were so important, someone took them away from me. Why did they leave the folder? Did they want to see what I would do with it? I should delete it. And then clear the log fi- What was I tal ...

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A Calendar Of Nobles

It is the first of the month, and the Archduke of Junius is refusing to abdicate to his brother, Baron Quintilis . Armies are dispatched, and in Quintillis’ defeat, a distant cousin steals the crown for himself. Lord Julius laughs from his throne for thirty days, but when he wearies of power, hands the crown off to his uncle Augustus, not the rightful heir in the County of Sextilis. The war rages on, and the nobility worries for the loss of life and riches. An agreement is reached, an ...

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The Ex

The second-longest wait is from the time you issue a Reboot command to the time your bridebot opens her eyes and sees you for the first time as her husband. The glint in her eye, the look on her face… it affects everything she says and does. The longest wait is, of course, when you reverse the firmware flash for the divorce to take effect. Usually, the glint and the look are long gone by then. The memories remain, though, which is why it’s best to do a seven-pass erase procedure befo ...

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Mr. Twelve

On either end of the table, Mister Midnight sat. One was a man in a cloak with a silver hourglass. The other wore a zoot guit, tapping a silver cane. Neither worked with The League Of Heroes, so they weren’t on the registry that prevents these situations. Their lawyers drafted up an agreement, trying to avoid a embarrassing superhero fight. “What if neither of you were Mister Midnight?” they suggested. “You be The Dark Hourglass, and you’re After Hours.” The heroes thought ...

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Imperfection

Try as you might, perfection never lasts. The moment you come close to perfection, the imperfections stand out in contrast so clearly. That makes it easier to find and remove them, and makes the remaining imperfections stand out even more clearly. The knife is steady, but the flesh resists. One final flaw, and this girl will be the pinnacle of existence. I put the knife down. I will not cut. No, there will be no scar. I don't need lasers like others do, but my work is always perfect. ...

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The Candy Prince

The Candy Price sits on his chocolate bunny, watching the troops walk past. His lemondrop eyes glisten in admiration of his army. "March, my men!" he cheers, and the army raises a shout. A gumdrop button falls from his Marzipan coat. He has been outside for too long today. He returns to his palace, inspecting his frosting hair in the mirror. "I am coming apart!" he cries to his butler. "Help me!" He tries to change suits, but feels something snap. The chef-surgeon arrives, but shakes ...

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Crime In E Minor

The detective looks at the body and says “Round up every violinist.” He is holding a smashed instrument, and his conclusions would be sound if he were correct about one thing: that is a viola, not a violin. They dust it for fingerprints… none at all. I wore gloves, you see. Yes, it was me, dear reader. I am the murderer. And that is my viola. The violinists come in, one after the other, but each has an alibi. It is a year later, he is no closer to solving the case. Good. Beca ...

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Unmaking Plans

We spent our lives together, always making plans. We planned to have children, but never did. We planned a trip around the world, but we never left the village more than a few days. We planned to build a gazebo and a bridge across the creek, but when you look out back, you see nothing but grass, trees, and water. For years, we made plans like these. I sit here, by her bedside, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. They will arrive too late. “What shall I do?” I asked last night. ...

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Weekly Challenge #172 - The Walls Shuddered

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was . And the topic is The Walls Shuddered. You have until midnight on Friday August 7 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can go to s ...

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Weekly Challenge #171 - Unprepared

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seventy-One, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Unprepared. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best this week?ElizabethDedric from http://www.lewismoten.comTJ from http://tjaman.libsyn.comGuy David from http://www.guydavid.com/Anima from http://zabbadabba.comLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.b ...

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The Infernal Tune

It was said that Beethoven composed a melody so powerful, it could summon The Devil. He never wrote it down, and never played it with anyone nearby. Except his nephew Karl. Perhaps this is why he fought to keep custody of Karl, to prevent him from revealing this secret? Or maybe Karl attempted suicide after seeing his uncle plead with The Prince Of Darkness for his hearing back? His doctor prescribed treatments containing lead to block out the infernal influences, sending the composer ...

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The Monkey Dance

For ten years, Dinko Dogan and his monkey entertained the streets of Rousse. At night, they swam in the Danube, Dinko singing and the monkey hunting fish. "The fish are bad," said the rivermaster. "The poison from the factories is in them." Dinko laughed. The monkey laughed with him. "Come for a swim, my friend!" he sang. When the coughing and bleeding sores were too painful to ignore, Dinko ended his nightly swims. The price of bananas was so high, but the fruitwagoneer said the monke ...

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Tell Me A Story

"Tell me a story," says the ghost in my bed. I'm used to it. So, I pull a book from the shelf, open the pages, and begin to read. "I've heard this before," says the ghost. The ghost has heard them all. I close the book and make up a story about dragons, castles, maidens, and knights. But this time, the maidens ate dragons and the castles floated in the air. "What about the knights?" asked the ghost. "They lived happily ever after," I said. The ghost smiled, faded into nothing, and ...

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The Waxlings

Come here, Waxlings. The sun is too bright. Our world is melting. The great mountains of the west are hills now, flowing in all directions. The oceans are too hot to live near. Our great bridges have fallen and turned to goo. As has nearly everything else. Our only solace is that we are of stronger waxes. We sweat and drip, but maintain our lives by eating and finding what little shelter that remains. One day, the heat will be too great even for us, and we will melt into the core. Fo ...

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The Prince Of Scars

We called the old man The Prince Of Scars. He was brought to the hospital last winter, frozen solid. We stripped him and put him in a tub of warm water, reviving him slowly. His body was completely covered with painful creases, knots, deformations, and agonizing twists. "What happened to you?" I asked him. "Life didn't pass me by," he moaned. "It took one look at me and tore me apart." He didn't say anything else. We couldn't get a name off of him and his fingerprints were long destr ...

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Weekly Challenge #171 - Unprepared

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Dale Innis. And the topic is Unprepared. You have until midnight on Friday July 31 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. If you have a blog, podcast, or other site that people can go to s ...

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Weekly Challenge #170 - The games we play

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Nine, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's That's not thunder, it's.... The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Guy David from http://guydavid.comMick from http://someotherscotland.blogspot.com/TJ from http://tjaman.libsyn.com/Planet X-ray from http://planetxpodcast.com/Lyn ...

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The Champ

It is the Fourth Of July. Thousands of miles from the Coney Island Boardwalk, Hodo blindly crawls on the cracked earth, flies buzzing in and out of his nose. There is no food. There is no water. There is nothing but dirt, flies, and death. A pack of hyenas catches his scent, and Hodo doesn’t feel them as they tear into his flesh. ------------------------------------------------ Back at Coney Island, the winner of the hot dog eating competition congratulations the runner-up. They lau ...

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A whisper in the ivy

I hear a whisper in the ivy. Is it the wind, blowing through the leaves? On the ground, in a bed of green, covered with shadows, I see something. I kneel down to look closer, but there is nothing there. Another whisper. This time behind me. And yet another. To my left. To my right. It is the wind, and it wants to tell me something. It breathes down my neck, past my arms, through my fingers. "What is it?" I whisper back. "What do you want to tell me?" Silence. The wind keeps its sec ...

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The strange coffee

Mary watched the last drop of coffee slide out of her cup and on to the floor. There was a sizzle, then a whiff of steam. The drop of coffee burned through the tile to the basement. Mary looked at the coffee pot, swirling it carefully. She’d used a free sample she’d received in the mail. After a moment of panic, she realized it hadn’t burned a hole through her. She went into the bathroom and checked to make sure. After she got dressed again, she shrugged and filled another cup. ...

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The Locksmith

It’s midnight, and I’ve locked myself out of my house. I take a pen-knife out of my pocket, cut my palms, and rub my hands together while reciting the chant of The Locksmith. From the shadows, a robed figure emerges, reaching into a large burlap sack. His pale hand pokes from the sleeve of his robe, a shiny key in its fingers. The Locksmith nods and unlocks the door. “Thank you,” I say, reaching for my wallet. The Locksmith shakes his head, holds my wrist, and his tongue licks ...

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The Brick Hater

Arthur had an irrational hate for anything made using ancient adobe architecture. Mud, clay, water, and straw were a recipe for rage in Arthur’s brain, and he’d been arrested many times for smashing at ruddy brown walls with a hammer or smashing bulldozers into them His mother sighed and said Arthur’s older brother had covered him with mud and straw, then left him in the sun to bake and harden. “At least it wasn’t cake,” said the doctor. “Who the fuck makes houses out of ...

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Weekly Challenge #170 - The games we play

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Jeffrey. And the topic is The games we play. You have until midnight on Friday July 24 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email messa ...

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Weekly Challenge #169 - That's not thunder, it's...

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Nine, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's That's not thunder, it's.... The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Jeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.comToniDale from http://daleinnis.wordpress.com/Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.comLewis from http://lewism ...

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Calling names

Every boy in my kindergarten class is named John and every girl is named Joan. The other five classes are the same. We check with the other schools in the district and they are reporting the same thing. You'd think someone would have noticed this with the birth certificates, but nobody noticed a pattern or raised an alarm. Normal name distribution in the district, normal migration patterns for a developed country. One boy's eyes flash blue for a moment. Then the others. They all smile ...

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Weekly Challenge #168 - Shrouded In Mist

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Mick. And the topic is Shrouded In Mist. You have until midnight on Friday July 10 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. ...

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Weekly Challenge #167 - Step into a Slim Jim

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Step Into A Slim Jim. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Danny from http://dannymachal.comHouston Keys from http://tatertotsforthemasses.blogspot.comJeffrey from http://Grea ...

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The shock

Today, we fill our bodies with drugs to make up for reckless lives. In the world of tomorrow, futurists say there will be nanobots making adjustments, repairs, and corrections. At what point do we stop being ourselves and end up at the mercy of machines? Does it matter who controls the machines? Does it matter who dispenses the drugs? What raw animal instincts are we prisoners to? Perhaps we never have had any control over ourselves? I feel a spark and my vision flickers for a bit. ...

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Caulk

I stood over the sheriff with my caulking gun, a ribbon of white goo still swinging from the nozzle. The sheriff was confused. “Do you know how hard it's going to be to get this crap out of my shirt?” Not hard at all if you know what you're doing. You see, I run the drycleaning shop. Caulk is easy to get out of a shirt. Easier than blood. That's why I gunfight with a caulking gun. He gets up, draws his gun, and shoots me. Great. A huge bloodstain on my shirt. This'll be a bitch ...

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The Knife Tossers

Two men toss a knife back and forth. They catch it each time. One man tries to catch it in his teeth, and with a head-spin he comes up smiling, blade in his mouth. He tosses it to the other man, who leaps and kicks at the knife, catching it in his toes. This goes on for hours, until one man is lying on the sand, knife buried in his chest. The other man pulls it out, wipes the blood off on a sleeve, and says “So, what do you think of my suggestion to flip a coin now?”

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Cupid's Arrows

That's not a tattoo on my shoulder. It's a scar. Cupid got his arrows mixed up with hunting arrows. I saw my true love, worked up my courage, and took an arrow in the chest. He missed my heart, thankfully. Unlike my true love. She was dead within a second. But then, we both were hit with hunting arrows, not with Cupid's. Were we hit by Cupid's arrows, I'd believe it. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment. Cupid apologized at the funeral, offered to hit us again with the right ar ...

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Weekly Challenge #167 - Step into a Slim Jim

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Danny. And the topic is Step into a Slim Jim. You have until midnight on Friday July 3 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email messa ...

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Weekly Challenge #166 - A bucket of gruel

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's A bucket of gruel. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Danny from http://dannymachal.comJustin from http://www.thespaceturtle.comLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.comJeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.comAnima f ...

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Jackals and Jokers

Jackals and jokers line the streets. Licking their lips as the coffin goes by. A nice juicy leg would make such a treat. You bite through the knees while I tug on the feet. Don't lock down the lid. We all want a peek. No? Not this time? What if we promise not to suck out the other eye? We made him. We own him. He is a part of us. Let us tear him apart. Let us scatter his bones. When we are done all is left is his suit. What size did he wear? I take forty-two long.

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Faxcakes

Every so often, we get someone who needs to send a fax. I got careless with the office supplies and ran out of fax machine paper. No, it doesn't use the cut-sheet paper. It needs the old thermal rolls. So I ended up loading the machine with pancakes. That's right. Rolled-up pancakes. I didn't expect to get a fax all day, and the office supply store was going to deliver another roll tomorrow, but I heard the phone ring and that telltale fax sound. It printed, and I picked up the pancak ...

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Let's all thank Finland

The meeting went long, so I asked who was responsible for that. "Finland," said Joe. "The meeting went long because of Finland." "Fine," I said. "Let's thank Finland." We tried to open the windows so we could shout THANK YOU FINLAND at the same time, but like all office buildings, the windows were sealed shut. It took just three hits with a heavy chair to shatter the glass. "THANK YOU FINLAND!" we all shouted at once. Except for Joe. He was laughing. "You're all morons," he said. "Fi ...

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So hard to believe

It's hard to believe that Macy is gone. Nobody in the room can believe it. Not even Sarah, who still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. "Someone needs to believe this," I say, and I dial 1-800-BEL-IEVE. It rings twice, and then:" What don't you believe?" "Macy is gone," I say. "MACY IS GONE????" shrieks the voice. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The shrieking subsides after a minute, and I am left a cell phone emitting sobs and whimpers. "Now do you believe that Macy is gone?" I asked ...

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The Garage

Hewlett-Packard was founded in a garage. So was Apple. Famous Amos started in his kitchen. Me, I start businesses all over this house. The bank began in the bathroom, consulting firms in the crawl space, and my shed led to the creation of a quarter of the Fortune 500. If you look in the dishwasher, you'll see some venture capitalists checking the industry broadsheets, looking for good investments. It's getting harder to find good talent, so I'm founding a business school in my pants. ...

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The Apples

As I walk the path, the trees offer me apples. "They are juicy and ripe," say the trees. "We'd hate for them to go to waste." "I'm sorry,” I say. “I'm allergic to apples." Insulted, the trees turn their backs to the path. "I could juggle them if you'd like," I say. The trees are shocked. “How would you like it if we asked if we could juggle your babies?" they ask. "But you offered to let me eat them," I said. "That's different," they say, and I walk in uncomfortable silence.

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Weekly Challenge #166 - A bucket of gruel

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, the winner was Norval Joe. And the topic is A bucket of gruel. You have until midnight on Friday June 27 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email me ...

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Weekly Challenge #165 - Cyborgs combined with... ?

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Cyborgs combined with... ?. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Laurie from http://www.myspace.com/sufferingravenGuy David from http://guydavid.com/Anima from http://zabbadabb ...

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The Barber

Back when I was a younger man, I liked to play jokes. I get bored easily. When I get bored, I joke. I went into the barber shop every day of the week for a haircut. As I came back each day, the barber became more and more confused. "Weren't you just here yesterday?" he asked. "It only feels that way," I said. "Should I come in more often?" On Friday, I didn't give him a tip. "You left it too long!" I shouted and stormed out of the shop. The barber scalped me so I'd never do it again ...

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Burn the trees

We need more farmland, so we must clear more trees. The warriors tried to burn the trees down, but once we lit them on fire, they continued burning for weeks. The fire rages in their branches without consuming them. Instead of clearing the forest of all trees, we cleared the forest of all the inhabitants. The flames scared away all the creatures with any sense to fear fire, and those that didn't, they burned. We watched the forest burn from our huts on the hills, and knowing that the p ...

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Daisy 5.1

Daisy looked in the mirror and made a list of everything wrong: Hips wide. Gangly. Matchstick arms. Freckles. Thin hair. Yuck. And the chest. She said B, not D. "No" she says. A doctor nods, and the umbilical disconnects. Back in the jar, her brain linked up the body catalog and browsed the new styles. She'd always wanted green eyes. "Maybe I'll wait for Spring," she thought. The simulator worked up a sketch, and she scanned it for an hour before authorizing a growtank to begin. A ...

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Battle

Thop, Demon Storm of Arrows, watched his followers gather at the Canyon Fortress of Mists and grinned. "Tonight, they will celebrate your doom," he said to Shishksnikt, who was smiling at his own forces. His Twenty Fists made their way along the rockfaces, sword on their backs. "Warriors fight, warriors die," he responded. "Your cowards and their toys are no match for steel." Behind them both, The Grim Reaper sharpened his blade and nodded. "I guess I'll have to cancel my dinner plans!" ...

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Country Music Star

There's a country music star on television. She's standing there with a guitar, but she doesn't play the guitar. She doesn't play anything. Doesn't write anything either. Someone else writes the songs. She doesn't even sing her own songs. Someone else sings them for her and she just mouths the words. That's not even her up there. Someone stood in for her, and nobody noticed the difference. When she won a Grammy, she didn't bother showing up to the ceremony to pick it up. They filed a ...

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Weekly Challenge #161 - Elvis Drives A Bus, The chance meeting of a sewing machine and an umbrella on an operating table

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, it was a tie between Tom and Lance the Writing Dad. The topic is: Elvis Drives A Bus and The chance meeting of a sewing machine and an umbrella on an operating table. You have until midnight on Friday May 22 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text o ...

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Weekly Challenge #160 - Bacon

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Sixty, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Telescope. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best this week?Tom from http://footnote.libsyn.com/Lance from http://writingdad.livejournal.com/Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.comAnima from http://zabbadabba.com/Terrence from http://www. ...

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Schnauzer

I have a giant Schnauzer. That's giant with a small G. Not a big G. He's not a Giant Schnauzer breed. He's a giant Schnauzer. One hundred feet tall. He's still growing, too. He's been growing ever since I got him as a puppy. What do I feed him? Just the usual dog food. Lots of it. The manufacturer gives me the stuff for free. They get to put my Schnauzer on the bag and in the commercials. He doesn't know any tricks. Or know his name. So I gave up, and I just call him Schnauzer. My ...

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The Salad Races

We both order club salads and watch the lady behind the counter pull out two metal bowls. The race is on. She grabs twice the usual amount of ingredients each time, dividing them between the bowls. Lettuce, chopped ham, eggs... It was neck and neck until it was time for the dressing. “One scoop or two?” We both said one. Two would slow us down. She mixes things up, scraping the bowls loudly with the salad tongs. Bowls are poured into plastic clamshells. And I get the first. V ...

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Apartment Circus

I couldn't stand to see the carnival rust in the junkyard, so I bought it. How you fit all that into a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan, well, that's my secret. Kids line up at my door, and I sell tickets to the rides, the midway games, and the various tent acts. At first, the Condo Association protested, but now they're all in the show: the fat lady in 5H, the super's a sword swallower, and 16A tells fortunes. It’s a good crowd tonight. I adjust my nose, check my floppy shoes, and ...

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Like a bar of soap

Travel to Insect Worlds requires Sleep. Cory leaves her robe on a hook and lays down in the tub. Five injections: her arms, her legs, and her heart. Her skin turns pale. Eyes closed, the monitor shows her slowing down for the sleep. Muscles contract, her body tucks into a fetal position. Pour in the electrogel. One spark, and the gel turns white and solid. Like a bar of soap. We slide it into the ship’s cargo hold. Only the Insects can reverse the process. Nobody ever returns. ...

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Munge's Menagerie

Through an error in programming, Professor Munge created a robot that could read, but was incapable of writing or expressing words in audio form. Over the course of a year, Munge's lab produced a series of mechanical oddities, such as robots without ocular sensors but powerful image processing and analysis capabilities, or the exploration robot with a single articulated limb with which the robot could barely drag its bulk around a pen surrounded by rails. Students would come by to gawk at ...

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Burning Hands

Both of my hands are wrapped in bandages. I don't know why I held them over the fire. It didn't hurt at first. Then, it hurt. A lot. The skin and nerves are gone from what muscle and bone remains. I can't tell how many fingers I have left. I wiggle one after the other, but the bandages keep me from seeing them move. When they change the bandages, they won't let me see. "You do not want to see them yet," the nurse says. Yes, I do. It is all I think about. She puts another pill in my ...

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Weekly Challenge #160 - Bacon

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, Elisson won. The topic is: Bacon. You have until midnight on Friday May 15 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do not put it in Word, ...

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Weekly Challenge #159 - Telescope

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Nine, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Telescope. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Michael S.Guy David from http://guydavid.comTerrence from http://www.mcleanweb.ca/neverwas/Danny from http://dannymachal.com/Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/ ...

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The Retarded Twins

Julie and Judy were indistinguishable from each other for 80 years. Usually, you can tell twins apart, but these two were exactly alike. Including their mental retardation. So severe, their father walked out when they were 5 and their mother dead from suicide on their 10th birthday. They were dressed in the same clothes, played with the same toys, and babbled the same babble. They spent their lives in institutions together until one died. Nobody knew which one, so they tossed a coin, ...

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Piano Bar

The kids were hungry, so I said “Let's go to McDonalds.” They screamed “No!” Sounds weird, right? Kids not wanting to go to McDonalds? Well, it makes a lot more sense when I mention: our McDonalds has a piano bar. Three hours later, the kids are asleep in the ball pit and I'm blasted out of my mind as all the local soccermoms and single dads are singing whatever the guy on the bench is playing. A guy in a Grimmace costume asks me if I need a cab. “Just a light,” I say, cig ...

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The Silver Star

When I was a child, my sister and I had to do our chores. Each chore meant we got to lick a star and stick it to the calendar for that day. Red ones were little chores, like doing the dishes. Blue ones meant more, like vacuuming or walking the dog. Silver stars were for mowing the lawn. At the end of the week, add up the stars and get an allowance. I went to the crafts store and bought a box of silver stars, filling the calendar with them. The stars added up to me getting spanked and ...

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Edison The God

Edison invented a time machine. Some say it was really Westinghouse. Others say Tesla. Nobody sees them anymore. Imagine that. With his time machine, Edison brings back advanced medicines, powerful weapons, and amazing technologies from the future. He recruits the most powerful minds from the past. Edison is unstoppable. With his unsurpassed knowledge of science, he has rendered himself immortal. We call him “The God of Menlo Park.” Why he keeps coming back to here instead of re ...

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The Beavers

Be careful when you go inside. It's dark in the house. Power was cut off a week ago. Sure, we pay our bills, but the electric company has yet to fix the lines. Beavers chewed down the poles. Then they dragged them off to the river to build a dam. It's a big river. They needed a lot of wood. Power poles, telephone poles - the beavers took it all, leaving us in the dark and without phones. Nice and quiet now. We go down to the river in the evening and watch the beavers build.

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Sexy Burrito Of War

At a fast food Mexican shithole, well past midnight, looking up and down the menu. Breakfast tacos. It's what I always get- WAIT! What the fuck is a Sexy Burrito Of War? I ask the guy behind the counter, and I can see his knuckles go white as he grips the register. “You want the Sexy Burrito Of War? Seriously?” No, I just want to know what the fuck it is. Maybe I'll want it if it sounds good. Maybe not. I have to sign a release form. Run on a treadmill. Maybe I'll just have som ...

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Weekly Challenge #158 - Knock Knock

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Eight, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Knock Knock. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Planet ZDJustin from http://www.thespaceturtle.comDanny from http://dannymachal.com/Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/SophieMichael SLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot. ...

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Shutterbug

Thanks to Lauren Weyland for the inspiration for this story. I had to go to a place and shoot pictures of an awards ceremony. When I got there, I realized I had forgotten to bring any film. I walked around, pretending to snap photos, but all I was doing was pressing the shutter. No film, no photos. So when the ceremony was over, the organizer tapped me on the shoulder and said “I guess there won't be any pictures.” I held up my camera. “I took a lot of photos,” I said. “Ju ...

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The Chicken Password

Thanks to Lauren Weyland for the inspiration for this story. Ever forgotten an important password? I once forgot the password to a very secure system that didn't have a way to recover it. It was so secure, the software author couldn't even get into the system once it had a password added to it. In the end, I had to go to a hypnotist to get them to dig around my mind to find the password. They snapped their fingers, and I thought I was a chicken. “Bawk!” I screeched, and I flappe ...

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Swine Flu

Thanks to Lauren Weyland for the inspiration for this story. The Big Bad Wolf didn't care about this Swine Flu scare. He was hungry. So he huffed, puffed, and coughed for about a minute. A window opened in the straw house, and the first little pig laughed. “Caught a bad case of the flu, wolf?” he asked. The wolf grabbed at him, but his muscles were aching badly and he missed. Two more pigs walked up behind the wolf. One hit him in the leg with a piece of wood, and the wolf fell ...

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Stick it to The Man

Things are always getting worse for me and Joey. Joey lost his job. My hours are getting cut back. The apartment's a wreck. Nothing works out for either of us. Joey's always saying we gotta stick it to The Man. But Joey never says how we're supposed to stick it to The Man. What glue sticks it to The Man? Do we use staples and thumbtacks? And what exactly is “it” we're supposed to stick? Joey says I'm too literal. I say Joey needs to provide concrete examples. He shrugs. Is th ...

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April White

I knew this girl. Her name is April. But she was born in May. Her full name was April White. Except, she was black. Her whole life was a bunch of opposites, one after the other. Some folks could handle them and others couldn't. I thought I could, but each time I thought I knew her, she turned out to be someone completely different. So, when we were supposed to be coming closer together, we ended up drifting apart. Until one day, she was gone. Or was I gone, and she was where she'd ...

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Liberated

Written during Fanny Starr's lecture... We were liberated by the British. The Americans, they bring doctors. They bring food. They bring water. They bring medicine. They bring trucks and jeeps. They talk and they cry. The British, they bring nothing. Not even clothes. I ask one for food, and he turn his back on me. He get into his jeep and drive off with other soldiers. I cannot eat freedom. I cannot wrap myself in freedom. We wander in the street, the forest. We do not know where ...

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Weekly Challenge #158 - Knock Knock

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week, Lance won... The topic is: Knock Knock. You have until midnight on Friday May 1 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do not put it in W ...

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Weekly Challenge #157 - Falling Bricks Hurt

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Falling Bricks Hurt. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Ted from http://whineandopine.blogspot.com/Guy David from http://guydavid.comTom from http://footnote.libsyn.com/Norval Joe from http://www.norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/M ...

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Maggots

I was in the hospital, laid up with a broken leg when the word got out that zombies were on the loose. No guns. No machetes. Just fire extinguishers and the occasional bone saw. That's when it hit me. "Maggots eat dead flesh," I said. "Release a bunch of maggots and they'll eat the zombies." The nurse went down to the stockroom and brought out three trays of maggots. "Is that all?" I asked. "I was hoping for huge barrels full of the things. Maybe fill a moat with them." No. Bar the d ...

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Ringing

Tom lets the phone ring for a while before picking it up. "Robots give up after four rings," he explained. "If my friends really want to get me, they'll let it ring ten or eleven times." The phone rings. Twice. Three times. Four times. Five times. "What about robots who are your friends?" I ask. For just a moment, Tom's look gets dark. Angry. "I have no robot friends," he says. Maybe today, but it wasn't always the case. Somewhere, deep in a lab under New Mexico, a mainframe caked wi ...

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Sacrifice That

NOTE: This podcast has the Really Bad Imitation Of Guy David tag... He commanded me to go up the mountain with my son and a knife. “Prove your loyalty to me,” said The Lord. “Kill him.” He's always fucking with us like that. Sacrifice this, recite that. I'm tired of it. So I let Him guide me up the mountain, His hand showing the way. I lay my son on a flat rock, draw the knife, and ask if He's sure about this. “Just kidding,” He says. “Go sacrifice that goat.” He ...

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Fishing

I used to go fishing with my grandfather. No, I didn't go on a boat or a dock to dish. Instead, we'd go to the aquarium after dark and fish in the really big tank. Not only is the water clear, but there's a lot of really cool fish in there. Okay, so there's some really dangerous things in there like sharks, but you can yank the line up when those get close. Or so we thought. Grampa lost a foot. Ouch. Good news, though: they recovered the shoe out of the shark's stomach. As if he nee ...

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Small Safe Town

There aren't many secrets on an orbiting research platform. It doesn't matter how big we build these. Even a few thousand onboard, it's still like a small town. Or a research center. Word passes fast. It's also hard to keep secrets about problems with the space station. Everybody is critical to keeping this machine running. Those that aren't, they can still sense trouble. Engineers needed for their experiments are busy doing something else. Plus, when it's something navigation-related, ...

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Witness

I'm a professional witness. The wilder the thing you want me to witness, the more it'll cost you. Same goes with how far I need to go back into history to witness it. Some scientists did the math and figured out that building superconducting supercolliders was far too expensive for particle research. So, they're paying me to witness the Big Bang. I go back tomorrow and come back Friday. They paid me only half in advance, just in case I'd be tempted to stay. Of course I'll come back. ...

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Weekly Challenge #156 - The Stinking Rose

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's The Stinking Rose. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Danny from http://dannymachal.com/Fricker from http://www.thefrickerfrequency.comJustin from http://www.thespaceturtle.comJeffrey from http://greathites.blogspot.com/Houston ...

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Voltmaster's Garden

The Gardener of Voltmaster's hedge maze is the only man alive who knows how to navigate that nefarious path of thorns, pits, and snares. We release five goblins into the north end of the maze and place five bags of gold coins at the southern exit. These five bags are the same ones that have been used from year to year, because no goblin has ever completed the maze. The Gardener usually waits a week before going in with a large burlap sack to collect their bodies. “More volunteers for ...

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The Dog Still

Boy, there comes a time in every kid's life when he's got to say goodbye to a pet. Do it without crying and whining and raising a fuss. It's your dog. I kinda used him to make a whiskey still. Oh, sure, there was some leftover bits and pieces, but I went ahead and buried them in the back yard. The rest is just chuggin away in the shed, makin that moonshine your grampaw sells in town. So, don't go cryin, and don't go pettin my still or playin fetch with it. Here. Have a sip. Hair of the ...

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Executioner

When the queen called for my head, I knew I was doomed. But when she called for my head to be brought to her on a paper plate, well, that bothered me. “Shouldn't that be on a silver platter?” I asked. The executioner shrugged. “I'm only following orders.” He took me down to the dungeon, tied my hands behind my back, and knelt me before the chopping block. “Maybe it has to do with the fact that it's hard to wash blood off of silver?” I asked. He didn't answer. He just raise ...

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Fiddle Faddle

I admit it. I'm addicted to Fiddle Faddle. I love the stuff. It's so much better than Chex Mix. Some people will eat any snack, but I refuse to eat anything but Fiddle Faddle for a snack. Once, on April Fools, my friends told me they weren't going to make Fiddle Faddle anymore. Oh no! What would I snack on? That night, one of my friends turned out to be a vampire and he bit me on the neck, turning me into a vampire. Since then, I've just had blood. I'll live forever, but without Fidd ...

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Boxcars

The commercials called Boxcar Willie the king of the hobo musicians, but old Willie never spent a day riding the rails. He was a gambler. Craps was his game. Guy owned a pair of dice, loaded for sixes: Boxcars. “Boxcars Willie” didn't sound quite right, so they called him Boxcar. The same went with his bandmates Snake Eyes Sam and Acey Duecey. They were in his band as well as at the craps table as much as Willie. Get Drunk And Hole Up A Transvestite Hooker Howard, well, he didn't ga ...

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Blind Man's Wallet

Joe has been blind since birth, but he keeps photos in his wallet. We ask him who they are of. His wife. His daughter. His parents. He opens up the wallet to show us. All three are beautiful, almost-perfect. They are the photos that came with the wallet. We know they are fakes, but does he know they're fakes? And does he know that we know they are fakes? We play along. Or is he playing along with us? Does he really have a kid? Is he really married? He's got the ring, but then... ...

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Weekly Challenge #155 - Rusty Steel

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Rusty Steel. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Anima from http://zabbadabba.comHouston Keys from http://tatertotsforthemasses.blogspot.comLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.comJustin from http://www.thespaceturtle.c ...

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I Killed The Moon

This knife is mine. I threw it at the moon. And killed it. Its blood raining down. Dead. Police station. Jail. Behind bars. Arrested for murder. Other cells hold drunks. Hookers. Thieves. I am the only murderer. “Why did you do it?” asks the cop. “I don't know,” I said. “I had a knife. It was there. It followed me home.” This angers him. “Why did you do it?” he shouts. I really don't know. All I know, is that I killed the moon. Every night, my victim up ther ...

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Fresh Thursday

What do you mean you're having a bad Thursday? Thursdays don't spoil. I pick my Thursdays fresh from the vine and gently place them in the basket. So ripe and delicious they are, I can hardly believe they are gone by Friday. I wake up, rub the Thursday from my eyes. Oh, why can't every day be a fresh Thursday, picked from the vine? Mondays... Wednesdays... not for me. This man in the alley offered me Thursday pills. Ground up from dried Thursdays. No. Fresh Thursdays or nothing! I d ...

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The Labels

Something strange happened last night. All of the labels on the cans in the pantry vanished. I don't know how or why. It just happened. Now, I have no idea what's in these cans. Well, okay, maybe the tomato paste is easy to identify. They're small and thin. Soup cans are all the same. I never buy soup that I don't like, so I can just grab any can shaped like that. The rest are canned fruit. I should eat more of that. Every can I will open will be a new mystery solved. This is going ...

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Shoelaces

Damn. I broke a shoelace. So let's go out to the woods and look for a replacement. They drop from the tree branches and slither on the ground, looking for a spot to burrow a hole. You catch a few, check their sizes and colors, and then hope to find just the right one. Grab each end and pull tightly to snap their spines. That's how a shoelaces go all soft and limp. Nobody wants a living, writhing shoelace in their shoe. Don't try to keep one as a pet. They just sit there in the bottle ...

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The Birds

The trees are filled with so many birds. Black as the night, silent and watching. They only move their heads to follow us. I've never seen them fly. For as long as I have watched them, not a single one has left or arrived. Just turning their heads without a sound. I haven't seen any other kinds of birds around since they arrived. I haven't heard any, either. Where have they all gone? Where did these birds come from? Nobody knows. We watch them in shifts now, and nobody's seen any ...

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Weekends

When I was young, time crawled. Now that I'm older, and the schoolweek is now the workweek, things feel a whole lot faster. And it's a good thing that the workweek goes by so fast. So much crap I just want to just get through. It's the weekends that matter to me. I live for the moment I can walk out that door and I'm free until Monday morning. The problem is, if the week goes by fast, then the weekends go by even faster. Sadly, Friday to Monday is a lot shorter than Monday to Friday. ...

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Weekly Challenge #154 - Howl at the moon, I demand a recount, The fencing master, Matzo tower, The end is near.

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Howl at the moon, I demand a recount, The fencing master, Matzo tower, The end is near.. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories this week?Anima from http://zabbadabba.comCaleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.comJeffrey from http://greathite ...

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Helpful

All support is moving to India. It's not because they are cheap workers. It's because they really like to help others. Boatloads of them show up at our ports, asking if they can help with anything. We send them back, and they offer to help with that, too. “We'll call you if we need any help,” we say. They waited for the call, but we never did. So, they started to help themselves. These days, they're the ones turning back boatloads of our people. “We offered to help,” they s ...

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Training

Instead of getting laid off, we're being repurposed. Today's training session is for turning us into plants. The trainer goes from seat to seat, jabbing us in the foot with a nutrient spike and then tipping a watering can over our heads. One guy is being prepared for lawn duty, so they're dowsing him with a hose outside. Unlucky bastard. I don't like getting hosed down on a regular basis, but it's a good promotion from what they had me doing before. You can only take so much shit heap ...

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The Talking Kid

We love our kid. How can we not? He's our kid. One disappointment with him, though. Our boy didn't start talking until he was four. But when he started, he just couldn't shut up. He talks all the time. During meals. In the bath. In the preschool. And even in his sleep. Some of it makes sense, but the vast majority of what comes from his mouth is nonsensical babble. So, we give him gum to chew. When he chews gum, he can't talk. He blows bubbles now. Popping all the time. But it's no ...

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Count To Ten

She tied me to a chair and broke each of my fingers, one by one. As she did it, she looked me in the eyes, and her smile got wider and wider with every finger she broke. She held my hand, my left thumb slipped between her lips and she sucked on it slowly. “Don't.” I said. I felt her teeth against my skin. “This is going to hurt,” she said. And with my thumb in her teeth, she broke it clean. Tomorrow, she will sign my casts and leave. Waiting for the day they come off again.

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Migration

Watch the spaghetti for me. Don't let it overcook. And don't let it escape. Remember the last time the spaghetti got loose? It took an entire legion of the Baron's soldiers to subdue and drive back to the kitchen. If it hadn't been so delicious, both of us would have lost our heads. They say that spaghetti is supposed to be easy, but when you forget to salt the water, all kinds of curses and maliciousness gets into the pasta. The meatballs are screaming again? Best not to serve them ...

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Predetermined

You can't change fate. Everything is predetermined. From the beginning of time to the end of time, everything has been planned for. Even the roll of the dice has a set outcome. Don't bother trying to escape from it. This doesn't means you should just sit there and let things happen. Because the times you make happen, well, those were fated to happen, too. The fact that everything happens according to a plan means you are completely absolved from the results of your actions. This is w ...

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Weekly Challenge #154 - Howl at the moon, I demand a recount, The fencing master, Matzo tower, The end is near.

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. And there was a five-way tie? The winner is: Howl at the moon, I demand a recount, The fencing master, Matzo tower, The end is near.. You have until midnight on Friday April 3 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. ...

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Weekly Challenge #153 - Swimming in de Nile

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Three, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Swimming in De Nile. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories from Weekly Challenge #153?Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Guy from http://guydavid.com/Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/Lynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.comJ ...

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The Sleeper

My little girl couldn't fall asleep. So I told her to close her eyes, think of clouds, and count slowly to ten. She always fell asleep at five or six. But one night, she got to ten. And she was by the bed, shaking me. Wake up, Daddy, she said. She does it to her classmates, at their desks. She doesn't even have to count out loud. She just thinks of clouds and counts to ten. What happens when you count backwards? I ask her. She shakes her head. No, she says. I feel tired, so I don ...

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Floating

It rained hard for a day, and the bayou looked like it would overflow, but it didn't. We watched tree branches and other junk flow with the water. Then, a dead body. Jeans, jacket... face down and not moving. Well, okay. It was moving downstream. Around the bend, another body floated by. Two bodies. Instead of calling the police, we placed bets. I bet on the first body. It had a good head start. But the other one was coming up fast. Mine got caught on a tree branch, and the other w ...

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The Prison of Oz

Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion sat in the prison cell, weeping. The Scarecrow had insisted that they take him apart and slip him through the bars. “I can go for help!” he said cheerfully. So, they pulled out his straw and threw it with his empty clothes out the barred window. They blew away in the breeze. The Tinman insisted that he could slip through the bars if they hammered him flat. The heavy wooden bench proved useful for this purpose. It also proved destructive. They called ...

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Hawaii

I saved up for a year to go to Hawaii. I kept a calendar, marked every day off until it was time. First class ticket, champagne and leg room. They put one of those flower necklaces on me. Checked into the hotel, and then took a taxi to a party. First time I ever had poi. That's when my throat locked up. I'm allergic, it turns out. Spent the whole week in the hospital. I don't remember the flight back. Yeah, being allergic to bees or gluten would suck. But I can't help but think t ...

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Curses

The Great Mage, The Master of Kraken, taught me that all curses should be removed in reverse order as they were inflicted on the victim as to not cause harmful effects as they are unbound and dispelled. Like turning the pages of a book. Auras overlap, but a good wizard can carefully determine the proper procedure in less than a day. Never rush a job because someone's dying from their afflictions. That can be delayed or cured, too. With that in mind, where is this werewolf with the Midas ...

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Rite of Passage

Some societies have complex and deadly rites of passage. The elders really bust your ass. Others require that simple rituals be performed. That kind of cake walk makes for a weak man and a weak tribe. The times sure have changed since my tribe roamed these lands, before fences. Before the white men came. My great-grandfather had to hunt ten rattlesnakes on his own. Now, my grandson gets a hundred bucks worth of chips and is told to make it last the evening. Otherwise, we'll throw a ratt ...

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Weekly Challenge #153 - Swimming in de Nile

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. The winner is: Swimming in de Nile. You have until midnight on Friday March 27 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do not put it in Word, Word Pe ...

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Weekly challenge #152 - Wikipedia Wildcard!

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty Two, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's The Wikipedia Wildcard. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Weekly Challenge #152 - who had the best stories?Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Guy from http://guydavid.com/Lynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.com/Michael S.Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub ...

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The Chip

I work at this place, maybe you've heard of it... Cyberdyne Industries? Anyway, I needed an expansion chip, found one sitting on a workbench, turned out to be from the head of a Terminator. Now it's trying to take over the world every time I sync it. I called tech Support and told them this, plus, it's getting lousy reception. They told me to reboot it. Now my downloads are faster, and sure enough it took over the world. Relax - they'll come out with a 4G model next year, I'll do the u ...

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Rocketman

"My power is infinite!" cackled Dr. Demonic, rubbing his hands together and throwing switches on a complicated console, the highlight of his dark, evil fortress. "The world will bow at my feet!" "Infinite?" I shook my wrists. "Then why am I handcuffed to your Doomsday Missile?" The villain growled. "Okay, so the chairs from Ikea didn't have arms. And they had wheels. My finest moment, ruined by a hostage rolling around the floor? My powers of improvisation are infinite!" He hit the launc ...

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Kim

Kim never wears orange now. The last time she did, she looked like a pumpkin. "PumpKim," they called her. That got her mad. Everyone who called her PumpKim, she punched in the face. Sure, she was fat, but in all the years she exercised to try to work off the weight, she got strong, too. Lots of broken noses later, she ended up in jail for a year. It was supposed to be 30 days, but someone called her PumpKim in jail and got shivved. I hope she's not listening to this podcast. I don't ...

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The Candidate

Crowds surrounded the candidate, or the spot they thought he was standing. Throughout the campaign, everywhere they thought he was politically, he wasn't. So much so, with so many lies and double-deals, he'd ripped a hole in the fabric of space-time. One step ahead, his campaign called it. Displacement, the scientists called it. The distance grew. Pretty soon, the candidate appeared miles from where they thought he was. Despite this phenomenon, he was elected. When he took office, as ...

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Seven Locks

A locked chest? The lock requires seven keys. Legend says that each was handed to the King of each Continent, but we all know that's crap. There was never a King of Antarctica. So, I pick the locks. Surprisingly easy to do. The locks were just ornamental. I open the chest, and sure enough, it's empty. Once again, the locks were ornamental. This chest has been opened many times before. So, I toss in a few leftover items from the shelves. It's a museum, we have plenty of stuff in stora ...

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Black Cat

Black cats are supposed to be unlucky. Friday the thirteenth is supposed to be unlucky, too. So finding a black kitten on Friday The Thirteenth is supposed to be double-unlucky. I'm watching the little guy run around and scamper everywhere. Then, he curls up in a ball in my lap and falls asleep. “How old is he?” a friend asks me, looking around for the kitten. “Barely fits in a blender,” I reply. His eyes get wide, and he vomits the energy drink I made for us. “He's at the ...

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Weekly Challenge #151 - What would Gandhi do?

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty One, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's What would Gandhi do?. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #151?Lance from http://writingdad.livejournal.comIshtarAshleyGuy David from http://guydavid.com/Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.comLynda from http://sist ...

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Shadows and Snacks

Before I go out into the streets of Old Rustville, I fill the pocket of my robe with shadow, gathered from an alley. Shadow is a most powerful reagent, useful for spells of concealment and death. Another pocket, filled with pistachios. It is always good to have a snack handy. Always the right hand with the pistachios and the left with the shadows. One does not want to bite into raw shadow, nor does one want to cast the forbidden spells using nuts within the city limits. Yes, this was o ...

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Fireflies

Me and Teddy, we go firefly catching in the summer. We always go firefly catching, we do. Teddy, he ain't got no arms. That don't stop him. He catches them lighting bugs in his mouth, and I hold up a jar for him to spit them in. Bam. I put the lid on. "Ain't they pretty, Bobby?" He say. "They so pretty, they is." Teddy, he go off to college, leave me here with my jar. he smart and stuff. I wonder if he go firefly catching. Probably not. He ain't got no arms. Or me to hold his jar.

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Flat Feet

Someone's out there in the field. I'd better check it out. So, I follow the trail of footprints through the mud. Big feet. Flat arches, too. Who walks around in this field without shoes on? What kind of crazy person does that? They could step on a rock or a nail. My feet ached at the thought of it. I didn't see anyone. For an hour, I walked around the field, until I come back to where the trail started. I looked down and realized that I am barefoot. Oh. Right. I'm out here. No won ...

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Shampoo

These days, people will put just about anything in shampoo. They shove all kinda of flowers and stuff in there and call it “herbal.” Once, I was given a sample to try. “What's in it?” I asked. “It's a surprise,” said the marketer. “Try it.” So, I took it home, got in the shower, soaked my hair, and poured it on. It started to tingle the moment the water hit it. Then it heated up. Exciting. I'd gotten some in my eyes. As I washed it out, that's when I felt it burn. ...

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The Brick

I know a man who can shit bricks. He eats three pounds of clay daily. Then, he squats down on the ground and shits a brick. He's been doing this for years. Behind his house is a brick wall. He's shit every one of those bricks himself. I asked him why he does this when he can just go down to the Home Depot and get bricks. “There's something about making something with your own two hands,” he said. “Or, in this case, your ass-cheeks.” The other night, his wall fell over. Guy d ...

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Helper

You can tell who has a Helper biochip and who doesn't. Every few minutes, their left eye goes hazy and blank. That's them talking to HelpNet. And the Helper talking back. We use just 10 percent of our brains. Helper uses some of the rest to offer advice, keep schedules, remember things, too. Local storage. Reminders. Suggestions. Warnings. Helpers connect to the global network to pull up scores, stock quotes, dinner reservations. Sometimes, Helpers get too helpful. They take over, and ...

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Weekly Challenge #150 - Just let me touch it...

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Fifty, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Just let me touch it.... The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories from Weekly Challenge #150?Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Anima from http://zabbadabba.comGuy David from http://guydavid.comAshleyJeffrey from http://greathites.blogspot.com AlmoMi ...

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Her Eyes

Every city has an Oracle. Every Oracle has a secret to hide. The bartender with the bandage over her face told us some things should not be known. “What color are your eyes?” asked Joe. I elbowed him in the ribs. He laughed. She put down the rag she was polishing the bar with and pointed to a jar on a high shelf. Blue. Her eyes had been blue. “What color are they now?” Joe asked. She sighed, reaching across the bar and putting her hand to Joe's face. “Whatever these are, ...

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The Pie

She asks me what my favorite scent is. Pie. Pumpkin pie. The best pumpkin pie I have ever smelled was a gift. A woman who had scorned me had left it on her windowsill to cool in the gentle evening breeze as she slept with her new lover. I took the pie and tossed in a Molotov cocktail. The fire caught quickly, too fast for them to escape. They burned to death while I watched, finishing every last bit of the pie. Here I am, hiding in Mexico, waiting for the heat to die down. Got any p ...

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Last Dance

All the time, folks say they can't wait for me to die. My funeral's gonna be one hell of a party. Clowns and dancers and musicians. Hell, I got the perfect spot for it. There's this dancehall I grew up around. Everybody there, they know me. They're the folks who wanna see me croak. So, when I go, they'll have a party there. And bury me under the dancefloor. That way, for the rest of their days, they don't have to travel to dance on my grave. Hey, it's the least I can do.

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Goldberg

In all my centuries as a creature of the night, there is one thing of which I am certain. I hate Bach. I hate Mozart and Beethoven, too. Oh, how my ears ache to hear Goldberg just once more. You have never heard of Goldberg. I know this. I heard him, long ago. One symphony to his credit. After its first performance, I was so inspired that I drank him dry. Dead. Gone. The city watch caught and nearly killed me. I escaped, but returned to the burnt-out husk of a concert hall. Not a ...

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Wyvern

Every week, the townspeople bring meat to my cave. Sacrifices to the dragon, they say. Keep him from burning our village, like in ancient times. I laugh. I am no fire-breathing dragon. I'm a wyvern. I don't breathe fire. Sure, my tail has a deadly sting, but it's not like fire. I wear the long-deceased dragon's snout as a mask. The townsfolk feed me at night. That helps with the disguise. When a champion comes uphill to slay the dragon, taking off the mask gives me a few moments of s ...

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Healer

I am a healer. I heal the worn-down, the lame, and damaged. If you have an ice sculpture that has lost an arm, a wing, or has melted beyond recognition, I can restore it to its former grandeur. The water speaks to me, and with my frozen operating theater and trusty staff, we can bring it back from the brink. It all started when I was young, filling ice cube trays day and night, obsessed with water as it went from liquid to solid. Now, I gather their spirits and the treasured beauty is ...

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Weekly Challenge #149 - Mothballs

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Nine where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Mothballs. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #149?Danny from http://dannymachal.comLynda from http://sisterpepperspray.blogspot.comGuy David from http://guydavid.com/Norval JoeAshleyJustin from http://www.thespacetur ...

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Halves

It was a beautiful marriage, and they made beautiful music together. While it lasted. It didn't last. Arthur ended up with the player piano. Leslie got all the scrolls. Arthur would sit at the piano, tap a key now and then, and listen to the note. He searched for the scrolls on eBay, but never found any for that model of piano. Leslie would open up the scrolls and hold them up to the light, the intricate patterns of holes making her wonder what style that song was played with, what nu ...

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Rape Is Never Funny

This one's going to bother the shit out of some people. There is a rule of comedy that rape is never funny. But then, how many comedians are from Easter Island? Yes, the place with the big stone heads. I was raped there by the natives. But they made if funny. It started with a few jokes and light molestation, but by the end of the crime, they had me roaring with laughter as they thrust into me against my will. I was left on the curb, half-naked and aching from both the assault and ...

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The Night Of A Thousand Stars

"Make a wish, Daddy." A tiny finger points to the night sky, silver streaks crisscrossing over each other. "Those aren't shooting stars," I said. No, they were satellites. And it was my fault. After the Russians hit one of ours, we agreed to hand over orbits and frequencies to each other. I wrote the database. Everything worked beautifully in the tests. But the moment the tracker went online, every satellite with propulsion went into controlled deorbit. The rest shut down or explode ...

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Store

In the middle of the storm, a man came into my store wanting cigarettes. “This is a smoke-free town,” I said. “We don't have cigarettes.” So, he asked for some beef jerky. “Meat-free town too. We're all vegetarians.” “Beer?” “No alcohol at all,” I said. “We're a dry county.” Everything he asked for, we'd given up or made illegal. “Is there anything for sale here?” he asked. I was about to answer him, but by then the sheriff had arrived. The silent alarm ...

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Alphabet Soup

My daughter loves it when I make alphabet soup. But every now and then, she complains that a letter is backwards or upside-down. “Just turn the bowl,” I say. “It all tastes the same.” No, she won't. She will stare at it and whine. “There is nothing wrong with this soup,” I say, and I eat a spoon of it. “See?” She still won't eat it. I offer to make her a different soup, but she wants alphabet soup. I blindfold her and slide the bowl in front of her. Eat it, and shut ...

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Invulnerable

Lord Bragdor's armor stands in the Hall Of Heroes, as shiny as the day he was speared through the face in a jousting tournament. “It was enchanted with an invulnerability spell,” said the Blue Wizard. “But, his visor was loose and his opponent lucky.” “Wouldn't the lance have been knocked aside by the spell?” asked the apprentice. “If the invulnerability had been meant for Lord Bragdor, yes,” said Blue. “But due to my misreading the spellbook, it was the armor that was ...

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Weekly Challenge #148 - Gladiolas

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Eight where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Gladiolas. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #148?Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Daniel from http://dannymachal.com>SergeAlmoAnima from http://zabbadabba.comGuy David from http://guydavid.com/AshleyMichael S.Eva Mo ...

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Silenced

“With a snap of my fingers, you are silenced,” said the man in the red cloak. And he did. He took off a red glove and held his hand in front of my nose. Snap “Go ahead,” he said. “Say something.” I didn't know what to say, so I said: “Elephant.” “Did you say something?” he mocked. “I didn't hear a thing.” He danced around me, snapping his fingers in my face. And then, he stopped. He snapped his fingers a few times, and then right by his ear. “I am deaf!” ...

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Thud

Ricky had been shouting about sparkly unicorns and butterflies before his eyes crossed and he dropped like a stone. For the next thirty years, we'd visit him in the hospital. The nurses always cleaned him up nicely before visits. We'd hold his hand, tell him that we missed him, and then ask him what he meant by unicorns and butterflies. He never did wake up. One day, we came to visit, and he wasn't there. Someone else was there. So we started visiting them. To tell you the truth, we ...

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Tunnel

I've been walking for hours, but I haven't found the end of this tunnel. The walls get narrow, then they get wide. There's some phosphorescent rocks and moss down here. I can make my way around without being totally blind. The floor's slippery. I have to walk slowly or I'll fall. This map doesn't say how far I need to go. It's torn, and part of it is missing. The part I'm in. I have no idea where I am going, I should keep going until I find a way out. Or, I could stay down here. M ...

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Volcano

The chief was perplexed by the crop failures and dwindling animal stocks. “The only thing we have that's worth anything is the volcano,” he said. “Let's try sacrificing things in it,” I suggested. Everybody agreed. We started to sacrifice virgins in the volcano, but it turned out that the moment a virgin was selected, she'd bang the chief's son. So, we changed to animal sacrifices. Those, the chief's son would steal from the offering pen to make a feast for all his girlfriends. ...

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Foil

Happy birthday, Oliver. Here's your present. What? Oh, I never buy gift wrapping paper. Instead, I use tinfoil. It's bright and shiny. And it's actually cheaper than wrapping paper when you think about it. Especially if you give out small presents and not all that often. Instead of having wrapping paper for every occasional and holiday, the tinfoil serves all purposes. Plus, when they unwrap their presents, they can wrap food in it and put it in the freezer. Let's see you try to do ...

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The Black Spot

I dropped a can of root beer on my foot. When I took off the shoe and sock, the middle toe was dark red. No blood, just bruised. A day later, the swelling went down. But there was a black spot on the nail. Over the past month, it's been slowly growing out. In another month or two, it will be at the edge, and I can clip it off. As if it were never there. All the while, the spot tells me to save it. “Cut off your toe,” it says. Every day, it gets louder. Desperate. Angrier.

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Weekly Challenge #147 - Running With The Cool Kids

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Seven where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Running With The Cool Kids. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best of Weekly Challenge #147?Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/Daily Panic from http://adayonorbedge.blogspot.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleDaphn ...

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Straight Up

If you ask a robot where home is, it usually points to its recharging station. So when the Andersons' new service droid pointed straight up, I assumed that it meant the attic. After the survey of Oak Falls was complete, no other robot in my survey had an attic charging station. Return to Washington? No. Not yet. I went back to the Andersons' house and asked the robot again, but while we were outside. It pointed up again. That's when the lights appeared in the sky. "Where is home?" T ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #100

Bill Herndon opened his former law partner's letter and read the final line once more: I'm coming back sometime, and then we'll go right on practicing law as if nothing had ever happened. Strange events had been happening since Abe died. Odd noises at night. Books removed from shelves. Papers strewn on the floor. It was when the unconscious prostitute appeared on his desk did Herndon fear for the worst. "Abe liked his post-trial hookers," he chuckled, and he sent for a exorcist. "You'v ...

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Demolition Derby

Hey, man! Bored with football? Tired of all these baseball players juicin up? Hockey not bloody enough for you? Lemme tell you about a new sport: communication satellite demolition derby! All it takes is override commands, some maneuvering propellant, and a decent grasp of orbital physics. There's nothing quite like watching two expensive chunks of metal surrounded by gigantic solar arrays smashing into each other, leaving tiny sparkling fragments to cloud the the skies for all eternity ...

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Molly

By day, Molly Scott's soul is where it belongs - in Molly, making Molly uniquely Molly. If you've read her books, you'll know what I mean. Children's books unsafe for children. “Cooking With Broken Glass” and “Boogertime Blues” are favorite of mine. At night, her soul wanders and resides in a CPR dummy in Fairfax. It was during a late First Aid class that I discovered this phenomenon. Five chest compressions, pinch the nose, breathe in, and a slow, faint whisper: this is why I do ...

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The Alchemist

The world is turning to bright yellow glass. The Alchemist. I have to see her. She has the pills I need. Her blend of phase-anchoring nanobots and cellular dimensional disruptor isotopes aren't cheap. What’s your task? Reach across time for an artifact? Disrupt the future for a prophesy. Bring me a Weaver Crystal, she says. Red. Ah. Materials collection. Easy. I reach through space to The Hive, my hand brushing across Clusterdrones from cave to cave. I break off a shard and hand ...

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Shaving

Every time I shave, I miss a few hairs. It doesn't matter how many blades my razor has or what kind of shaving cream I use. Hairs appear in the mirror, or I run my fingers across my face and they spring back out of my skin. It's frustrating. I used a cream that a friend suggested that women use to remove the hair from their legs, but that didn't work, either. There was this pad advertised on television. Tiny crystals that lift and exfoliate. After one use, my face was smooth. Then, s ...

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Weekly Challenge #146 - Animal Cruelty

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Six where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Animal Cruelty. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #146?Sherry from http://www.sherrydramsey.com/Tom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Guy David from http://guydavid.comJustin http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleJeffrey fr ...

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Boxes

I wake up, get out of bed, and walk around the house. I do this every morning. Six cardboard boxes in a pile by the door. No labels on them, no markings at all. I have no idea what's in them. Or where they came from. Some are heavy, some are light. Do I shake them? Will I break what's inside them? I put my ear to each box. No ticking, no breathing. Maybe I should open them? Which one to open first, the heaviest? The lightest? The biggest? The smallest? I go back to sleep. Maybe ...

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The Quiet Ones

It's the quiet ones that kill. Just sitting there, watching you from across the coffee shop. “What a beautiful cat,” says a customer. The owner nods, hands over the mug. Those eyes follow you everywhere: you walk into the shop, over to the counter, back to your favorite table. What is it about you that's so interesting? “Sasha likes you,” says the shop owner, smiling. “Would you like to pet him?” You think about it, wondering what that deep orange fur will feel like. “ ...

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Sabbath

Servants are unreliable. When the Sabbath comes, you cannot depend on them to do work. Unsupervised, they do such a poor job. And they steal. So, we decided to build robots to do the Sabbath chores. It wasn't enough to program them with the ability to cook, clean, and mend. They must do it the right way. We also filled them with reason and piety, all of the Talmudic Law on a chip. The robots worked great. They freed us to do so much. Until Sabbath. They joined us in prayer, reached fo ...

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De-inspiration

Inspiration means to breathe life into a creation. But what happens when you want to take that part of your life back? Especially when your creation wants more, and is sucking the life out of you? Waking up breathless, needing to do more. No more. You step back, close your mouth, and hold your breath. Your creation begins to turn blue and suffocate. It begs for air. It begs for life. “I need it more than you do,” you think to yourself. It's hard to watch your creation die. An ...

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Frozen Barbie

My sister was so weird. One day, she stripped all of her Barbie dolls naked and wrapped them in aluminum foil. “What are you doing that for?” our mom asked. “Cryogenics,” she said, sticking the dolls in the freezer. “We'll wake them up in the year 3,000.” Late that night, I took out the Barbie dolls and wrapped up some corn cobs in the foil. The next day, she checked up on her time capsules and screamed. That night for dinner, we had roasted chicken and steamed corn on the ...

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Peanuts

If there's anything I do that has me pegged as a Southerner, it's the fact that I put peanuts in my cokes. You're supposed to put them in the bottle, but nobody drinks out of bottles anymore. People drink out of cans, or they use a glass. Either way, I still put peanuts in my coke. The peanuts soak up the coke, and when you're done drinking the coke, you rattle them around and chew them up. My grampa taught me to do this, but he told me to do it with the shells still on. Grampa was an ...

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Weekly Challenge #146 - Animal Cruelty

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals Animal Cruelty. You have until midnight on Friday February 6 to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do not put it in Word, Word Per ...

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Weekly Challenge #145 - Concrete Shoes

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Five where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Concrete Shoes. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING What were your favorite stories in the Weekly Challenge this week?MichaelSherry from http://www.sherrydramsey.com/SergeSophieAshleyGuy David from http://guydavid.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtl ...

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The Feeding

With horror bubbling in her throat, Lisa ran a finger along the last wrinkle in her face. "One more child should do it," she told her servants. "Not too young. I do not want to overfeed." That night, in a burlap sack, they dragged a peasant boy up from the village into Blackmoor Manor. "Still alive. Good," said Lisa. "Lock the door. No visitors." As Lisa cleansed the ritual knife, the angry mob made its way up the stone path to the manor. Looking at the pitchforks and torches, her serv ...

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Lousy Servant

I expect my tea to be placed by my bedside at precisely 8 in the morning. Any earlier, and it will be cold when I drink it. Any later, and it will not be there when I reach for it. Instead, I will reach for my sonic whip and you will suffer dearly. It used to be that the Blahva made good servants, but we've bred them to be stupid while breeding out rebellion and independence. "Shave your matted fur," I growl to my houseboy. "And show some initiative." He licks an eye, shivers with fea ...

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Racks

How did I wind up in the hospital? It’s simple. I got my wine rack and gun rack mixed up again. Going deer hunting with Merlot isn’t so bad. Merlot goes nicely with venison. However, trying to open a loaded rifle with a corkscrew is not a good thing. The doctors say they can save most of the fingers on my left hand. This will seriously curtail my hunting for a while, but at least they sell automatic corkscrews. I just need to make sure I’m opening bottles of wine with it instead ...

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Was A Rabbit

A cop fireman-carried the lifeless body into the morgue. The cause of his death is listed as "Basketball." Every so often, the coroner gets bored with Heart Disease and Cancer, so she cuts loose a little with the weirder cases. "Old man died while playing ball with some kids," said the cop. "We all gotta go sometime," said the coroner. "I guess so," said the cop. "Do you have the money?" "I need another week," said the coroner. The cop shot the coroner twice in the head, put the gun ...

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Spaceship

Last night, a spaceship landed on my driveway. A small green man climbed out through a hatch, waved hello, and asked me if he could borrow my tools. At least I thought that was what he was asking. “Sure,” I said. “Do you need English or Metric?” The alien shrugged. “Grobnick blasdo,” he said, and he grabbed a few things from the garage before working on his engine. It took him an hour before the ship was pulsing a greenish glow. “Grobnick bladso,” he said, waved, and f ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #99

Abe lay back in his coffin and thought. Johnson should be kicking out Mary Todd and Tad just about now. I'm not even cold yet. Bastard. He'll probably command the Army to freeze over the lawn for a skating rink. Andy loved skating, and it didn't matter if it was a hundred below or a hundred above. I loved skating. Or perhaps he'd pull a Gotcha on the slaves and enslave them again. Abe felt angry. He tried to get up. Oh, wait. Hold on. Um... I'm dead, he thought. Ouch. This is sur ...

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Weekly Challenge #144 - Chicken Nuggets

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Four where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Chicken Nuggets The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Weekly Challenge #144 - Chicken NuggetsAnima from http://zabbadabba.com/Johnnie B.Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleMichaelTom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/Gu ...

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Remix

It's fun to mess with memory tapes. I reversed Johnny's timestamps and he spent weeks sucking his thumb and shitting his pants while the reindex ran. Dell hasn't stopped speaking in French, despite restoring his mind from an old directory. Tracy and Thomas woke up Thomas and Tracy. They didn't know each other before I swapped their nodes. Now, well, a little better. Oliver was supposed to be a remix. I had a great set of financials and old movies spliced into his mind. Instead, he becam ...

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Caricature

The revolting, hook-nosed caricature loaded his grocery cart with every discount Kosher food he could. When finished gathering food for tonight's blood rituals, he haggled with the young lady at the checkout counter, protesting every penny. She kept sweeping every item over the scanner. Beep. Beep. "Want paper or plastic?" the bagboy asked. "So hard a decision," said the caricature. "Does the plastic come from petroleum stolen from Arab holy lands? Does the paper come recycled from shre ...

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The Peace Hunt

It was an awesome peace concert in the park, and at the end, we opened the cages that released the doves. Majestically flying into the air, a cloud of white wings upon the air. That's when the hawks came. Doves became puffs of white feathers as the raptors hit them with their talons and flew off with their prey. Bloody chunks falling on the crowd, the remnants of collisions raining down. Everybody staring at the hunt, unable to move. “This is a disaster,” whispered the concert pro ...

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The Lenses

At the rank of Mage Ultimor, the wizard will grind a Diabolical Lens. Infused with ancient spells, this looking-glass deciphers messages from The Beyond. The messages are often mundane, but occasionally an interesting and useful command makes it through the torrent. Most mages grow bored with the filtering process. Others remain at their scrying table, peering into the hazy glass circle, lips trembling. When he was an apprentice, his duty was to smash his master's lens. Voltmaster neve ...

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Pickles

Know what the worst thing about getting old? I hate going bald. Yeah, I used to have so much hair, but now. all my hair is falling out. Some guys cover up with hats, and others shave their heads and go totally bald. Me, I like to cover my head with sliced pickles. How do I keep them on my head? Well, the mustard acts like glue. A few fall off during the day, but I keep a jar with me. And in a real emergency, I can buy a hamburger and ask for extra pickles. Lots of extra pickles.

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Eighties

The club is dead on Wednesdays, so I picked a theme and bought a few ads. One after the other, these old people started to wander into the club, using walkers and canes. A few had powered scooters. I had to move the tables further apart to handle those. One woman with an oxygen tank and a white beehive wig complains about the music. “What's with this rock and roll crap?” she says. “It's Eighties Music,” I say. “Duran Duran. Flock of Seagulls.” You know, Eighties Night. W ...

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Weekly Challenge #143 - Tidal Wave

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Three where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's Tidal Wave The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #143?Norval Joe from http://norvalsoutlook.blogspot.com/MichaelTom from http://midi.libsyn.comAshleyAnima from http://zabbadabba.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com ...

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Fifteen Seconds

Once you hear sirens, you have fifteen seconds to seek shelter. Will the rocket land in the fields. Will the rocket land in a school. Will the rocket land in the streets. Will the rocket land on you. The shelter is across the street, you can get there quickly, but a child is standing there on the sidewalk, crying. Run for the shelter now? Or cover the child with your body and close your eyes? We watch the images on the television, and so many of us judge. What would YOU do to protect t ...

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Errors

The error messages this system spits out are frustrating. They are just a bunch of meaningless code. "Can I get some meaningful error message that tells me what I did wrong?" I ask. The developers say no. They are too busy getting rid of the bugs that cause the errors. "In the meantime, I'd like to know what the errors mean." They shake their heads. "How about some error messages that are even more meaningless, filled with profanity and racial epithets?" The developers think I'm bein ...

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His Number Came Up

He was not a number, but his number did finally come up. The old actor died last night. His greatest performance was over forty years ago. He had full control over the production, and he put everything into it. I'm watching it now, episode after episode of The Prisoner, and despite so many things changing since then socially and technologically, the themes of paranoia, distrust, and the human spirit of individuality still shine through. There's a remake of the series in the works, but I ...

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Foldspace

Edgar needs to go to Phoenix. He pulls out his world map, makes a few folds, and he's now just a few minutes walk from Phoenix. "Relative Foldspace" he calls it, in between cigarettes. I call it Voodoo. "It doesn't hurt anybody," he says. "It just folds my relative space." He smokes another, ashes fall on the map. Brushes them off. "Thought it would set the world on fire?" With a shout, he tears the map in half. I recover from my fainting spell to the sound of Edgar laughing. "It's ...

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Never

We all stared at the turtle in its terrarium. They named it Never. “What kind of name is Never?” I asked. The twins both shrugged at the same time. They did that kind of thing, shrugging and smiling and sneezing together. Always in agreement. Even if it was something weird, like naming their pet turtle “Never.” “I still don't understand why you two wanted a turtle,” I said. “Why not a dog or a cat?” They shrugged again. Sure, they're my kids. I love them. But it ca ...

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Poison Banquet

The guards aren't allowed to beat us anymore. But they still torture us. They have a chef cook feasts for them. The air ducts are arranged to blanket the jail with the kitchen smells. Fresh baked bread. Deep, rich gumbo. Buttery, roasted corn. So good. Then they slide trays with the usual, horrible slop under the bars. The chef is one of us. Did twenty years for putting a knife in a man trying to rob his restaurant. They beat him bad too many times, so he's adding his specia ...

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Weekly Challenge #142 - Double Dipping

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-Two where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's a combination of: Double Dipping The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #142?AshleyGuy from http://guydavid.com/Tom from http://midi.libsyn.comAnima Zabaleta from http://http.zabbadabba.com/Justin from http://www.thebeando ...

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Sturgiss

We followed Sturgiss Necromancer, demon graverobber criminal. His destination? The Voltmaster. His watchtower rises from a clearing in Gloomwood. We goblins know to give this abomination of stone a wide berth. On the roof, Sturgiss arranges steel rods. Clouds, ready for harvest, I shout to the sky: “We demand the return of Lord Grondol's body!” Sturgiss screams his response: “You may fight the jackals for Grondol's unused remains.” Inside, Voltmaster throws a switch. The to ...

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Skin Contract

Awake at 4. Itching, scratching. The rashes are unbearable. One more week until my skin contract’s up. The free ones are nothing compared to expensive designer skins, but with the contract, you get a discount on those. I look in the mirror. Hideous bags under my eyes, wrinkles like canyons across my face. And rashes. Last time, I cheaped out. Ever since, it's been dermatologist appointments and oceans of cosmetics. Yak butter creams? Tungsten wire therapy? I won't make that mistak ...

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Belt

I could not find my belt this morning. It was not where I had left it - wrapped around my neck. My belt is usually on yesterday's pants, but I didn't wear pants yesterday. So I wrapped it around my neck and went to sleep. When I woke up, it was gone. I only own one belt. It's a black belt, so it goes with everything. Maybe I will go buy another belt? I should buy two, but in all my life, I only own one belt at a time. Because I only have one neck to wrap it around

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Sandpaper Carpet

We ripped up the carpet and put down sandpaper. It's easy to vacuum now. And I get great traction. It's a weird feeling to walk across it with my bare feet. It's kind of like walking on the beach. The worst part is when I spill something on it. What a mess. The cat hates it. She leaps across the seats and tables, runs across the sofa and uses the bookshelves to get to the tile floor in the kitchen. Anything to avoid the sandpaper. If the cat could climb across the ceiling with her cla ...

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Perfect Potatoes

The potatoes are perfect? Good. I'm glad you like them You know, I always kept things in the oven just a little too long. So, I had the temperature turned down just little on the oven. Things turn out just right now. I could have just set the timer a little quicker, but I'm such a stickler for time. Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. You can measure it with a clock or by counting. But temperature? Can you really tell the difference between three hundred and fifty degrees and three h ...

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Weekly Challenge #141 - Thumpin

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty-One where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's a combination of: Thumpin The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #141?Anima from http://zabbadabba.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleTom from http://midi.libsyn.com/Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub. ...

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The Forest Of Fourteen Trees

Once upon a time, this was a vast forest, with trees as far as the eye could see. Now, there are only fourteen trees, crowded together in a housing subdivision. We, the elves of the forest, once frolicked and hunted. Now, we argue over pizza toppings and order delivery. It's not easy, clinging to the past when the future has clearly defeated it, but we are forest elves, and we can no more abandon them as a fish can leave the water. The government calls us an endangered species, but the ...

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Stuffed

It's just a simple fact of life. You can stuff a chicken. You can stuff a bra. You can stuff a bra in a chicken. You can stuff a chicken in a bra. Those awful cookbooks and fashion magazines – I blame them all! It's unhealthy! It's unsanitary! It's unamerican! It used to be you'd just see this on the news from savage places like Belugastan or the North Indies. Now, you see it all over the mall. These damn crazy kids with their tattoos, piercings, and poultry-filled undergarments! ...

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Old School

We're at the bar, watching the ball drop in Times Square. “I still write last year on my checks,” I say. “I always do.” She puts her drink down. “You still write checks?” she asks. “No online bill payment?” “I like the feel of writing a check,” I said. “Pointing and clicking doesn't feel the same." “What about credit cards?” “Nope. I'm really old school.” She laughed, signed for her tab, and left. I asked for my tab. “Two chickens, Bill,” said the b ...

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Old Men

Two old fishermen on the dock, the bucket sitting between them on the dock. They've been there for years, fishing. The first old man catches a fish, and then he lets it go. Then the other old man catches it and lets it go. Back and forth, that fish got caught over and over. He liked the taste of the bait that much. And the two old fishermen hated the taste of fish. “Caught that same damn fish again?” said the first old man. “Yup,” said the other. They dropped their poles an ...

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Tie You Up In Knots

I know my knots. I know every knot. Though I may be old and blind, you can give me any rope and I can put a knot in it that you want me to put in it. Hand me a rope with a knot in it, and I can tell you what kind it is in ten seconds. This rope around my ankles, I know. Same with the rope around my wrists. The one around my neck is another matter. Give me a minute on that. Pull on them all you want – all my secrets will die with me.

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #98

Abe rubbed the back of his head and moaned. "Stop that moaning!" said a deep voice. Abe looked around. Clouds everywhere. "Is this Heaven?" Abe asked. "Of course, stupid," said the voice. "Any other questions?" "Why did you create so many common-looking people?" asked Abe. The clouds parted, and God walked out. "See?" Abe winced and looked away. "Ewwwwwwww!" "Well, I made Man in My image, right?" said God. "You're right," said Abe. "Sorry." "Anything else?" ask ...

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Weekly Challenge #141 - Thumpin

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals Thumpin. You have until midnight on Friday January 2nd to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message. Do not put it in Word, Word Perfect, ...

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Weekly Challenge #140 - Lambada, Dragon Burgers, Coal, Bail, and Wrapping Paper

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Forty where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was... was.... um... It's a combination of: Lambada, Dragon Burgers, Coal, Bail, and Wrapping Paper The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #140?Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/Uva Oxide from http://lost3dent.blogspot.com/Norval Joe from http ...

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Monkey Fuckers

You wake up in pain, reeking of sweat and stale bananas. Another night, another monkey fucked. This shit's too sick for Oprah. She thought you were fucking guys in monkey suits or something. This is the real deal. Oh you've tried. Lord knows you've tried, but there's no patch - only the real thing will do. They bite and scratch, but that makes it more exciting. Gets you off harder than if they just sit there, screeching. Curious about little Curious George, aren't you? Hold my hat. My ...

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Dr. Santa

Every year, he puts on a Santa suit, visiting dying children in the hospital. "There are healthy girls and boys without toys," he'd sneer, holding up an unopened train set. "Are you planning on being buried with this one?" He went from bed to bed, filling his sack and leaving a trail of screaming children. The next morning, while on the way to work, he stopped by church. "Bless you,” said Father John, gladly accepting the toys and games for the gift drive. Dr. Walters smiled and got ...

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A Funeral On The Side Of A Cliff

He spent half his time climbing cliffs and the other half looking for cliffs to climb. When his luck ran out, he insisted on being buried in the cliff that killed him. So, we threw drop-lines over the edge, lowered ourselves to where the rope snapped on a sharp rock, and dug a niche to stick his ashes in. The priest was a rockhound from Utah, and he insisted on coming up from the base. Crazy bastard. We're all a bunch of crazy bastards, the biggest of all is in this tin can - see you so ...

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Wandering Cat

My cat likes to wander. He heads out the door and makes a beeline for Miami. Spring break. Just one stop in Biloxi, Mississippi. He likes how they prepare catnip there. I know this because I read his credit card statements every month. He's not good with finances. Gets in over his head if I don't keep in on a short credit limit and allowance. I flick the porch light on and off a few times. He knows that means for him to get his furry butt back inside. I hear a meow and he's home, fu ...

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The Menorah

“Sun's almost down.” “That's nice. Where's the cat?” “He's outside. Time to light the menorah.” "Where's the candles?" "I'm using an oil menorah this year." "An oil menorah?" "Yes. Uses olive oil. More authentic than candles." "What?" "You're gonna burn the fucking place down." "No I won't." "Yes you will." "We've got a smoke detector this year." "Test it recently?" "Um... no... errr..." “Well, isn't that a hoot?” "You put the battery in the TV remote." "I did not." "Yes y ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #97

A crowd stood around the body of Lincoln, which was all the more crowded because of the small confines of the boarding house. People were gathering up blood-souvenirs, anything the president had bled upon. "He bled on the sheet!" "He bled on the pillow!" "He bled on the lantern!" The room filled. The walls began to buckle. Elbows banged against the windowpane. "Everyone out!" shouted the boarding house's owner, shaking a fire-iron. "Now!" All the people filed out of the roo ...

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Weekly Challenge #139 - Oh, the horror!

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty-Ninewhere I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was Oh, the horror!. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #139?Caleb from http://blacktiemartiniclub.com/Norval Joe from http://www.novalsoutlook.blogspot.com/Mike P. from http://mjpaxton.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleJeffr ...

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Silent Night

Santa got stuck in my chimney. He's yelling for help. I called the sheriff. He told me to lay off the egg nog. That's how life goes in a small town sometimes. It's a nice place, though. Quiet and peaceful. Until some old fat guy gets stuck in your chimney. I turned on a flashlight and looked up. Two black boots. Gigantic red ass. “What am I getting this year?” I asked. “A lump of coal if you don't get me out of here,” he yelled. Fuck him. Fatty can wait. I turned up my h ...

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Grooves

Old man, asleep at the bar. He's never said a word in three years. Nobody knows who he is or what his story is. Let’s take him to the jukebox. You can hear sounds of ancient times by running the needle along ridges in pottery. It's from when vibrations got embedded in them as they turned on the pottery wheel. This old man’s got lots of wrinkles, so we put him in the jukebox He is instantly electrocuted. When the smoke clears, we prop him back up at the bar. To tell you the trut ...

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The Trojans

The plan is brilliant. We are French, after all. We shipped the statue in pieces for assembly in the harbor. The torso of the statue was large enough to hold 500 soldiers. Our weapons are in the torch. Vive la France, New Paris! In the middle of the night, we are to crawl out the door and begin the invasion. "Where's the door?" I, the commander, asks. We tapped out a message of surrender to a confused workcrew on the outside. Ransom is such a dirty word. The diplomats will smooth it ...

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Forty Acres

My name be Rufus Cleveland and I be 173 years old today. What's this here place called? Time Square? Well, I calls it mine. I been waitin over a century for my forty acres and a mule, and I'm takin these here forty acres. Lincoln himself promised em to me. Said “You get forty acres and a mule, Rufus.” When I axed him which forty I get, he just said “Just take 'em.” Gonna be a shame to tear these here buildins down, but this here is mah land, and I wanna get to plantin in the s ...

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Butterflies

What am I eating? Butterflies. Ever eaten butterflies? No? They're delicious. I can't decide if they taste better dipped in chocolate or hot sauce. How do I cook them? I don't. I eat them raw. Their wings melt with any kind of heat. That's okay – lots of things taste better raw, like peapods and carrots. Okay, so they taste like crunchy fluff, but they hold the chocolate pretty well. And hot sauce, too. Hold it by the legs and stick the wings in the dip, then pop it in your mo ...

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Weekly Challenge #137 - Blow Pops and Water

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty-Seven where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was Blow Pops and Water The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #137?TomNorval JoeJustin from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pr_Zu6vxWEoAnima Zabaleta from http://http.zabbadabba.com/Eva Moon from http://evamoon.net/ByzGuy David from http://www.g ...

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The Tongue

Robert Pastorelli's been dead for years, but that didn't stop me from dreaming about him. His corpse had been torn to pieces and I had stumbled across his tongue, a throbbing slab of redness inchworming its way along the pavement. I placed a resonating gadget to its tip and it spoke of his death and subsequent desecration. When I found the rest of his head, I placed the tongue back inside and it babbled nonsense. Why I dreamed of Robert Pastorelli, let alone his severed head, tongue tor ...

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Guards

The brothers stand at either side of the door, wearing their finest red military parade jackets. Even though they each had a musket on their shoulder, the guns hadn't been fired in years. When had they been fired? Let's see... I know. I remember. That day, the brothers had challenged each other to a duel. After walking ten paces, they turned, and fired. Both brothers fell over, dead. I had them both stuffed, dressed, and propped up at either side of the door. They are pretty useless ...

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Art Museum

Every day after work, I go to the art museum. It is on my way home, next to a family grocery that always has the best apples. You aren't supposed to eat in a museum. But they let me bring an apple in. Or an orange, if I am not in the mood for an apple. Museums often display just a part of their collection to the public. The rest is in storage or being restored with touchups and cleaning. They let me look at the many works sitting in storage, admiring the Junior Varsity squad of the art ...

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Goalposts

There's no greater thrill than when your team wins the championship and the crowd tears the goalposts down. I wish we had stopped at that. After the goalposts came down, we started tearing up the field, ripping huge sheets of sod and tossing them around like bathroom mats. Then we busted up the concession stands and the bathrooms. The seats and bleachers took some effort, but soon enough, we were throwing seats around smashing them to bits. The rest of the stadium required heavy constr ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #94

"What was that loud noise?" was Abraham's second-to-last thought. Abe slumped forward and moaned. Booth shouted "Sic Semper Tyrannis!' and leapt to the stage. Abe heard the ugly crack of Booth's ankle breaking. As a testament to Abe's overflowing compassion, he felt badly for the man who would have to walk on such a leg. His left eye saw nothing but blood. His one remaining eye opened and spotted the gun in Booth's hand. He'd been... shot? "I guess the bullet is stronger than ...

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Weekly Challenge #136 - Thankful

WARNING: After the rookies, I get off on a rather perturbed rant over something Steven the Nuclear Man said on his Ideatrash blog in reference to a simple question I asked on Twitter. If you don't want to deal with the politics, religion, he-said-she-said or risk having your head cut off for thinking for yourself, please feel free to skip that section. The rant begins at 12 minutes. Jeffrey's tale begins at 16 minutes and 28 seconds. Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred A ...

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The Lobster Races

I've got a special treat in store for you. No, we're not going to the movies. There's no good movies out right now. We're going to the lobster races tonight! They take a pair of lobsters and strap them to roller skates. Then, they roll those roller skates down a street. First one across the finish line wins The loser gets eaten. Okay, so they eat the winner too. Nobody wins this race. Except for the people who eat the lobsters. Know who loses the worst? Me. Because those are my ro ...

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The Dead Lawn

The lawn is dead. I tried watering, fertilizing, sod patches - you name it, I've tried it. You know how some kooks tell you to play music for plants? Well, I tried that too. I guess those kooks were as kooky as I'd thought. There's nothing left of the lawn. It's all blown to dust. It's a shame, because I bought a shiny new lawnmower. The neighbors come by to borrow it. They expect me to fill it with gas. Why? What's the point? They have lawns. Let them gas it up. I'll just sit here, ...

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Poseidon

None of the other Poseidon The Sea Gods at water parks had problems, but then, they were just actors. The One True Poseidon lay on the couch, shaking. "The pills aren't working," he tells his analyst. "Neptune came out during my act at Sea World again." "What happened?" asked Dr. Moggs. "I speared a kid with my trident. The lawyers are erasing the tape and blaming the kid for leaning on the rail." The doctor made notes as the once-mighty sea god moaned in agony, mumbling "Get out of my ...

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Taco and Tequila

I sit at my desk, ignoring the noise, focused on that clock on the wall. Both hands reach for the sky - Noon! You see, I have found the key to happiness. Every day, I have a taco and a shot of tequila for lunch. Oh, that sweet simple burn. Sure, it can be rough on my stomach, but it makes the afternoon just fly by until it's time to go home. It's time to go home? Let's go home. My buzz lasts through the bus ride. Mom asks what I learned today in school. I smile and say "Bliss."

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #92

Congress, in its infinite wisdom, offered to grant royal powers to Lincoln. The exhausted president refused them. "If all earthly power were given to me," he muttered, "I should not know what to do." Later that evening, he watched as a meteorite streaked across the sky and landed at his feet. "What have we here?" In his hands, the glowing green rock pulsed. Abe smiled as the energy flowed through his body, but his smile quickly faded. "I still don't know what to do," he muttered, sit ...

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Weekly Challenge #134 - That One

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty-Four where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was That One. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #134?Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleAnima Zabaleta from http://zabbadabba.comJeffrey from http://GreatHites.blogspot.comAshleyEva Moon from http://evamoon.net/blog/AlmoNorval J ...

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Lasso

You don't need a license to carry a lasso. That's why I carry one of those instead of a gun. Guns are aloud and messy. Lassos are a lot friendlier. But have you ever tried robbing a bank with a lasso? The teller laughs like you're crazy. If you're robbing a bank with a lasso, you are crazy. The teller says for me to hold out my hand. Why? I ask. Just do it, she says and smiles. So I do, and she puts a penny in my palm. That's for being cute, she says. Next! A live story ...

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Life Hands You Lemons

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. So, I did. Death handed me lemons, too. I made lemonade with them. Karma gave me lemons. More lemonade. Then, Fate handed me a bag. "More lemons?" I asked. Please, not more lemons. Fate nodded yes. So here I am, sitting on an island of lemons in a lake of lemonade. Instead of a boat to rescue me, everybody's bringing me lemons. They ask lemon advice, when to plant, when to pick. They want me to write a book. ENOUGH! If life hands you ...

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The Rider

They may be hideous in appearance, but no goblin would be caught being rude. "Sears," says the creature. "And your name is?" The topiary, a shrub groomed to look like a green poodle, said nothing. "I need to be in Waco by sunrise," said Sears, and he hopped on the back of the topiary. "Let us ride." For all the shouting, the topiary didn't budge an inch. The morning dew settles on the goblin's frozen body, turned to stone by the daylight. "Who put this ugly thing out here?" said the g ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #90

Cows, everywhere cows! Lincoln couldn't believe the sheer number of cows roaming through the streets of Washington. Going forth like swarms of Egyptian locusts, devouring every blade of grass and other green thing. "Where did all these cows come from?" he asked, but nobody had an answer. As always, Abe came up with a solution. He commanded the city to hold a carnival and a massive barbecue. Under his direction, the cows were caught, slaughtered, butchered into steaks, and cooked in the ...

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Weekly Challenge #133 - Omission

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Almo... How about.... Omission? You have until midnight on Friday November 7th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email messag ...

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Weekly Challenge #132 - Clowns vs. Ninja

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty-Twowhere I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was Clowns vs. Ninja. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #132?Almo SchumannLaieanna from http://hodgepodgepoint.libsyn.com/Jeff from http://GreatHites.blogspot.com AshleyJustin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleTom from http://midi.libdy ...

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Devil's Night

They call this night the Devil's Night because kids set fires to usher in Halloween. One year, they got what they wanted and The Devil showed up to survey the damage. "You call this devastation?" He howled. "I've seen entire empires burn, nothing but ashes from ocean to ocean!" He spat at a burnt-out house and laughed. The kids burned more houses, but it wasn't enough for The Devil. Cops arrived and arrested the kids. Instead of becoming Satanists, jail house imams converted them to I ...

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Pumpkin Screams

This genetic engineering shit gives me a case of the heebie jeebies. These newfangled pumpkins scream and ooze blood when you carve them. When it got to Thanksgiving turkeys that gobble to the tune of "over the river and through the woods" even after you cut their heads off, I got worried. How did it start? Let me think... It started with a simple splice of DNA to produce Yule logs that burn with natural cinnamon spice scent. All downhill from there, rabbits laying eggs and crazy shit l ...

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All Locked Up

I forget when I lock things, so I made a key chain with little plastic reminders when a door is locked or appliance is on. Instead of worrying, I now just look at my reminders on my key chain. I was in a rush this morning and forgot to set the reminders... Or did I? Or did I forget to reset the reminders from when I last unlocked those things, and then forgetting to lock them again, so... I throw away the key chain, lock all the locks, sit in my chair, and hum happily in the darkness. ...

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The Battery

The monks bring out the iron chest and assemble the relics upon the altar. Tears from a thousand saints poured into the Holy Grail, iron from the gates of Heaven and Hell wired with a slender silver thread that was hammered from Judas coins. They connect the wires around my horns. "Do you see The Light?" asks the abbot. I wait. There is a buzzing in my ears, but no light. "I am deeply sorry, Lucifer. Redemption is beyond your grasp." I crawl back to The Pit to continue my plans. A ...

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Bacon

The Law of Bacon is an axiom of our existence. Creation's purpose is two-fold: to evolve a form of life to generate a source of bacon and a form of life to consume bacon. This is the Meaning Of Life. One without the other shatters the fabric of reality. The wine and wafers are gone, replaced with strips of bacon. The pews are filled with the faithful, led by the aroma and sound of sizzling in the skillet. Today, we burn a heretic at the stake, a nonbeliever in our midst, the grease of ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #89

Abraham Lincoln didn't like to lose. "Rather than yield," he said. "I would sooner go out into my backyard and hang myself." All it took was a bad hand of cards or an argument over dinner, and he'd be out in the backyard, tossing a rope over a branch in order to hang himself. At first, Mary Todd hid all the ropes, so Abe tried using bedsheets and towels. That's when Mary Todd ordered all of the trees cut down. Abe roamed the back yard, looking for something to hang himself from, but it ...

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Weekly Challenge #132 - Clown Versus Ninja

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Justin... How about.... Clown Versus Ninja? You have until midnight on Friday October 31th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your ...

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Weekly Challenge #131 - Asylum

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty-One where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was Asylum. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #131?Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleAshleyKolekEvamoon from http://evamoon.netAlmoMikePhilipJeffrey from http://greathites.blogspot.com/Guy from http://guydavid.com/Anima from htt ...

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Bring Him Back

The poster was supposed to say Dead Or Alive, but it ended up saying Dead And Alive. Before we could fix the mistake, the poster was up in every Post Office. Replacements were sent out the next week, but by then, we'd gotten our man. He's in the holding cell, Dead And Alive. No, I haven't seen him. All I know is, the guy who brought him in said he was, and he wanted to collect on the full reward. I don't know what Dead And Alive means. Do you? Maybe we should just leave him for the n ...

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Vet

Bo spent two years in Sadr City. Some bearded fuck was running the place. The government gave this fuck guns and money to keep the peace, but this asshole used them for all sorts of other shit. Women suicide bombers. Those were the worst. Stick a bunch of crazy shit in their heads, put a bomb under their robes, and tell them to shriek like hell if anyone tried to search them. All it takes is one. Just one. Bo came back in a bag last week. The bearded fuck is still there, making women ...

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Primordial

The primordial soup is full of amino acids. Add a little electrical energy in the form of lightning to get the building blocks of life. Perhaps with the primordial soup you can get a primordial sandwich. Nothing complex... Just some lettuce and tomato. A sprinkle of dill? Perfect. How about a primordial salad to go with that? That, my friend, is a good lunch. You won't need a big primordial dinner after a primordial lunch like that. Just be sure to leave a good primordial tip for this ...

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Servant

We need more sticks for wands. Kiss your fingertips, touch the gate, and walk into the cemetery. Without the kiss, the cemetery's residents will be insulted. With the kiss, you will have a safe journey to the Tree Of Souls. Gather the loose branches. Do not take from the tree itself - that is certain destruction. These twigs will make excellent wands for necromancy, magic of the dead. My best ones come from here in fact. Powerful enough to raise the dead and make them obedient servant ...

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Apple Bobbing

If you're listening to these as bedtime stories, you're going to have bad dreams after this one. I love Halloween. It's the best time of the year. The candy. The costumes. The cool breeze in the air. Most of all, I love apple bobbing. Fill a washtub with water, toss in a few apples, put your hands behind your back, and then try to catch an apple with your mouth. Its so fun! Ever tried other fruits? Bananas are way too easy. Watermelons are just too big. No, its best to stick to ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #88

Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. No visitor to the White House left without being asked of their ambition by Abraham Lincoln. He thought he'd heard them all, until one child said he wanted to be an astronaut. "What's that?" asked Abe. "I want to explore space!" said the child. "That's very peculiar," said Abe. "How will you get there?" "With a ladder," said the child. Abe put the child to work lighting gas lamps and changing candles. "How's space today?" he'd ask and ...

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Weekly Challenge #130 - And then you put it in the blender...

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Thirty where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was And then you put it in the blender.... The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #130?Fricker Fracker from http://www.thefrickerfrequency.comAnima from http://zabbadabba.comMikeWilmaNika from http://www.nikadreamscape.wordpress.comKeeme from http://da ...

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Deathface

The law says three days. The machines can do five. With modifications, seven. That's how long Spencer wants. He's got Deathface. Sunken eyes and cheeks, grey skin, eyebrows gone, raspy breathing. The law says not to send a Deathface down. Notify the police if one comes to your Coma Center. Or if someone asks for a week. It can't be called an accident because the wastebag has to be changed and the morphine refilled. The inspectors will know. No, I say. I can do five. Not seven. Spenc ...

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Felver Rate

The government reports appear on my desk on the third Tuesday every month. It is my job to inspect them for investment opportunities or legal loopholes. Every month, a new statistic appears. This month I noticed a label called Felver Rate. There was no explanation or formula. Just a graph showing a slow decline over time. Is this a good thing, like unemployment, or is it a bad thing, like graduation rates? I call the author... Dr. Daniel Felver, but I got a recording. He's at a Weight ...

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Roadkill

Usually, we see dead possums and armadillos by the side of the road, but this was the first time I've seen a panda. Turning it over with my shovel, sure enough, it was a panda. Big bastard. I couldn't lift it. So, I had to call for help. The county cut back to one-man crews a few months back to save on costs. Instead of jabbering in the truck cab, we jabber over the two-way. Joe pulled up, and looked at it. "Can you eat panda?" he asked. "Lets find out, I said, and we loaded it int ...

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The Cloud Whisperer

He lays back in a field, guiding the clouds across the sky. The Cloud Whisperer rules the heavens by sheer willpower. The clouds are happy to do his bidding. It delights them to float where he asks. He hardly notices the roar of the crowd around him, the players in their helmets and pads. This championship needs to be played. the rain needs to stop for just a few hours. "Please," he says to the sky. The clouds shift slowly, rising and thinning. The game will be played. "Thank you," ...

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Elevator

This is the result of a Tweet by Grace McDunnough about riding the elevator with a heavy breather. The elevator doors open and I step in. The doors close. Usually, it's a smooth ride. And very peaceful. But I can hear breathing. Loud, heavy breathing. Raspy. Angry. I don't want to look... I watch the numbers. More breathing. It's starting to scare me. The numbers go up... and up... and up... The breathing is unbearable. The elevator stops and the doors open. I run out of the e ...

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The Ducks

When I was little, we would go to the Volkswagen offices and feed the swans at the pond. Or were they geese? Or ducks? I can't remember. We'd take a lot of white bread to the pond and crumble it up and toss it in the water. It would float until a swan would swim over to it and gobble it up. Repeat that for a half an hour, with occasional swans swimming around each other trying to get the bread. No fights, though. They all worked it out somehow in swan-talk. My brother and I, though, ...

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Yazghar

I list my race as White. I'm proud to be a Yazghar, sure, but I would rather not end up dissected at Area 51. The Field Operations Manual says to blend in as best I can. Carnival jobs when possible, or work from home doing technical support. Do I look like a Steve? Do Steves have bright orange war-crests and talons? Usually we outsource observation duties to the Ofokos. They look more human than us, despite the lack of earlobes. Easily concealed with wigs or floppy hats. The fangs are ...

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Weekly Challenge #129 - Light

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Cenedra and her Two Cents... How about.... Light? You have until midnight on Friday October 10th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of ...

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Weekly Challenge #128 - Airplane

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Twenty-Eight, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Brad Z, and we went with Airplane. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING What stories do you think were the best of Weekly Challenge #128?Guy David from http;//guydavid.comJeff Hite from http://greathites.blogspot.com/Justin from http://www.thebeandom.com/spaceturtleTom from ...

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Orders

Why did I put a .223 into the chest of a six year-old on a swingset. It was a justified kill. My orders say so. Of course, orders are getting weird these days. You hear stories of agents standing naked in the mall shouting "Syrup!" and not bathing for a week. If you question the orders, someone else gets orders to kill you. If you know what's best for you, you just read them and carry them out. What? You don't understand these orders? Not sure what flavor cake to bake? Hold on... ther ...

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Virtual Class

Imaginary spitballs fill the air. Roger Washington's back to pulling pigtails. Stacy Miller shimmers and falls to dust. Third one today. There must be something out of sorts with the holographic system. I check the diagnostics while Stacy's parents are threatening to sue the school. No red lights, so I order a check of the Miller's unit and read the manufacturer alerts. Aha. Bad firmware update last night. I send out an alert to the parents, and I remind them to remove all headsets bef ...

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The Lawyer In Your Lap

A universally-despised attorney gives up on making court appearances, using an assistant with a laptop and video software to conduct business. "It's safer this way," he says. Sure enough, he pisses off a class action defendant, and the guy shoots the laptop. The assistant is relieved. At least he wasn't shot, right? His phone rings. It's the lawyer, irate. "That was a four thousand dollar laptop," he yells. The assistant asks him how much his suit jacket is worth. "A thousand bucks," ...

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Cathedral

Every colony has a Cathedral. That's what we call the terraforming engine after it's idled and scavenged for useful parts. The newer the model, the less of a carcass left. Every cubic inch of that behemoth can be melted down and forged into something useful. Colonists won't use it all, though. They insist on leaving something to remind them, a vast hollow shell as a monument to the colony's founding. Inside, they gather to give thanks, an annual ritual carried out thousands of years ago ...

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Control Room

The king wants to go to the control room. Half of the lights in this room blink for no reason. The others do not blink at all. The switches aren't connected to anything, and all that the buttons do beyond changing color when pressed is to make a faint clicking sound. It makes the king happy, though. He loves to push buttons and flip switches and laugh. "Die die die!" He yells. A display lights up with a random number. He cheers. "High score!" We laugh with him and pray to God that he ...

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The Golden Pen

I was suffering a horrible case of writer's block when The Devil tapped me on the shoulder. "Use my pen," he said, and he handed me his Golden Pen. "What's the catch?" I asked. "The usual shit," he said. "Brilliant artistry for your soul and eternal damnation." "Pffft," I said. "I'm already fucked." I shook his hand and he vanished. Sure enough, when I tried to write, it was out of ink. Fucker. Oh well. I wrote anyway, scratching the letters into the paper, and I held it up to the l ...

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Weekly Challenge #128 - Airplane

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Airplane... How about.... Airplane? You have until midnight on Friday October 3rd to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email mes ...

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The Chart

My doctor put down the chart and did a little happy dance. "Does this mean I'm cured?" I ask. "No," says the doctor. "You're not in fact, it's terminal." "I'm going to die?" "Yes, but not soon. In fact, it will be a long, painful, agonizing death." "Then what's the dance for?" "Nobody's seen what you've got before." "Why is that good?" "I'll get it named after me," he said. "I'll be famous." He asked a nurse for a bottle of champagne. "Drink up, it can't hurt. At least, I don't thi ...

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Businessman Specials

They call early afternoon baseball games Businessman Specials. You might ask... why? After playing a full game the night before, the teams aren't going to be at their best. So, the players take the day off and the front office suits up. Ever seen a marketing and branding specialist try to charge a bunt from third? Almost as ugly as one trying to justify seven-dollar beers while watching a sub-500 cellar-dwelling bum squad. Or your 100 million dollar cleanup man picking up a broom and ...

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The Play

Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town. This week was different. You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts. Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke. So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause. Hamlet had never been so... delicious. When the curtain fell for the last time, we ...

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Billy the Kid

Feelin' lucky tonight? William Bonney over in Accounting was a renegade CPA who settled down and went corporate. But during Audit Season, the Call of the West got in his blood, and he became Billy the Billing Kid. Forms? Ledgers? Books? He's put them all away and reach for his sixguns. He'd shoot down lawyers and tax agents and all sorts of credit service representatives. Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable became Accounts Dead when he faced off with them on Main Street at High N ...

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The Bunny Mafia

You want to know? Well, I'm dead either way, I might as well talk. You want to hear about The Bunny Mafia? I'll tell you about it. Yeah, I ran with the rabbits. Cooked books for the Five Hutches, trafficked in hookers. You know. Because they screw like rabbits. No drugs. Only carrots, lettuce, cabbage they like vegetables. The fresher, the better. Then, one day, a package arrives. It's a bloody foot on a chain, wrapped in newspaper. Little Bunny Fufu sleeps with the Easter Eggs, ...

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The Rainbow Eyes

Every time Jesse blinks, her eyes change color. From blue to brown to green to yellow to red... Is it some kind of newfangled contact lenses? I ask. She laughs. I was hang gliding and flew through a rainbow, she said. Apparently, there's some kind of magic in rainbows that does this. You're supposed to wear goggles, but Jesse's broke and fell off, leaving her eyes unprotected. What about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? I asked. I wish, she said, sighing. Just the ...

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Weekly Challenge #113 - Purity

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant ArminasX... How about.... Purity? You have until midnight on Friday June 13th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email messag ...

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Weekly Challenge #112 - Whiskey

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Twelve, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Elisson, and we went with Whiskey. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #112?ArminasX of Second EffectsSparrow of AllatwitterMichelle of MichellePond NitelyAGuy David at Guy David dot comElisson from blog d'ElissonTom from Footnote ...

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Bulletproof

Someone who's ready to buy something right then and there has The Look. The salesman saw it on the customers he'd just finished demonstrating a high-end laptop to. So, any questions? he asked, snapping the laptop shut. How rugged is it? asked a banker. The salesman swept the laptop off of the table and it hit the floor. He picked it up and turned it on. No damage. It's practically bulletproof, he said. A shot rang out, and a bullet dented the case, but the laptop stayed on. ...

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Kuzo

Most sushi chefs won't go near a mermaid, but Kuzo will slice up any sea creature if the price is right. He retired rich after the Loch Ness Monster went missing, but Kuzo and basketball have a love/hate relationship. Especially when Vegas was involved. Leviathan, Sea Hag you name it, he's carved it up for Japanese businessmen and celebrities to turn a quick buck. Remember Charlie The Tuna? His schtick was that he wasn't good enough for Starkist, so they wouldn't take him? When was th ...

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Fistfucking The Platypus

I've read every overpriced advice book there is at the bookstore. Who Moved My Cheese? and Throwing The Elephant didn't help with my miserable job, meaningless life, and spiritual bankruptcy. I just got shit on more. So, I decided to write my own overpriced advice book: Fistfucking The Platypus. I put tons of bad advice between the covers, added crappy drawings that a third grader with two broken hands could doodle up, and then put a twenty-dollar price tag on the hardback. Despite my n ...

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The Bard

We locked up the bard for his own safety. If the king heard these nonsense rhymes, he'd certainly cut off his head. I mean, here's an example of his madness: When an elephant coughs and sneezes. It bends and falls to all four kneeses. It wipes its trunk on what it pleases. Then coughs things up in wheezes. Bugs and germs upon the breezes. Covered with disgusting fleases. It's how they spread such bad diseases. Until the cough and sneezes eases. The king is fond of his elephant herd, and ...

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Boatsman

Throughout the ages, the boatsman kept his fare the same: one soul, one coin. It didn't matter what kind of coin it was or how valuable it had been in the land of the living. He liked to collect coins. On the weekends, he showed off his vast coin collection to his friends. The job called for a stoic, professional demeanor, so when he was given a coin he didn't already have, he'd fight hard to keep his composure. Nobody wants their trip across the River Styx to be performed by a giddy s ...

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Supersize

Ever try to Supersize a Happy Meal? I've tried it all around the world. Every single store they have on the face of the earth. I've been to every stinking one of them. And they just won't do it. It doesn't matter what language they speak there or what currency they take. They just won't do it. It's impossible, they say. Nothing is impossible, I reply. They said that I couldn't go around the world, asking for a Supersized Happy Meal, but I have. I hear three new stores open every day. ...

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Weekly Challenge #112 - Whiskey

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Elisson... How about.... Whiskey? You have until midnight on Friday June 6th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email message ...

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Weekly Challenge #111 - One

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Eleven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by me, and I went with One. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #111?Elisson of blog d'ElissonArnimasX of Second EffectsSteven the Nuclear ManGuy David from Guy David dot comHotspur of Hibernia on the SkidsFemme BleuMikeEva Moon from ...

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Mister Hunktastic

A smile. A perfect smile. A patent pending smile, it's so perfect. Coming down the street. Traffic stops. Everyone swoons. It's him. Mister Hunktastic. The one and only. But man enough to be two... three... four... Five? No, that's silly. Maybe four and a half. Mister Hunktastic. All man all the time. Even asleep. The standard is set for hunkiness. Hunkitude? Hunkery? He's gonna franchise himself. Make millions. Coming down your street. Traffic stops. Everybody swoons. Mist ...

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Egghead

Perhaps you've noticed my massive egg-shaped head? Frightening, isn't it? But why? Why is my head so disturbing to others? It's not hurting anyone. I don't have horns or antlers to gore my enemies with. And if I rub it on you, the condition is truly non-contagious. I just have a big egg-shaped head. Oh, it's my gigantic brain that concerns you. Well, does it help if I say that I just think of happy duckies and bunnies and puppies? No? I guess I'll have to blow up your brain with m ...

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Calling Myself

I know it sounds weird, but I put myself on speed dial. That way, when I don't know what to do, I can call myself. Sometimes, I'm the one calling myself. And other times, my phone rings and it's me. Usually, it's nothing important, like directions somewhere. But the other day, I swear, I heard crying in the background. I can't find the chainsaw, said my voice over the phone. It's in the shed, I said. What do I need it for? Thank you, I said, and I hung up. I took myself off ...

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Haircut Time

I'm overdue for a haircut. I've got every barber in town calling my cell phone. They're bidding on the job. Some of them are trying to sweeten the deal with things like limo rides, hookers, and a free shave. This one stylist keeps sending me flowers. Huge flower arrangements. In fact, when I open the door, the whole front hallway is just flowers. How he got in here to fill the place with flowers, I'm not so sure. Kinda scares me. Maybe I'll just donate it to those cancer folks. Or ...

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Belt Loop

When I'm having a bad day, I'll take off my belt and reverse it through the loops. Instead of feeding it around to the right, I'll feed it to the left. Does it change anything? No. But it gives me a moment to breathe and think. Now, if someone gets me so riled up that I take my belt off a second time, I take it off and beat them with it. When I'm done, I thread it back the right way. Get up. Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. And don't piss me off a third time. Friday is th ...

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The Boat

He puts her in the ground, as he promised, and plants a tree on the spot. Year later, he takes a branch and whittles a small boat from it. Places a candle in the center. Go to the water, light the candle, and let it flow downstream. Every night, you can see dozens of candles floating by. At sunset, it's so beautiful. And yet, every light is someone lost. And someone who has lost. When it is my time, promise me. Plant the tree. Carve a boat. Light a candle in the center. And remem ...

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Weekly Challenge #111: One

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Stainless Steel Matrushkya... not sending a story in? I guess I'll need to put in a topic then. How about.... One? You have until midnight on Friday May 30th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post ...

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Weekly Challenge #110 - Jobs

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Ten, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Steven the Nuclear Man, who is going for broke with Jobs. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #110?Cybster DJ from Cybster DJTom from Footnote PodcastSteven the Nuclear ManGuy David from Guy David dot comJustin from DrabblecastElisso ...

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The Book Of Roger

Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your hymnals to Roger Chapter 5 Verse 3. What? You nay heard about Roger? Well, I photocopied it up and stuck it in your books, so shut yer traps and read along or yer all going to Hell! Two monkeys were fucking on a unicycle the other day, arguing over an ice cream cone. What are ye daft? Why are you lot looking at me like that? Got a problem with the Gospels or something? This is The Book of Roger. And Roger didn't mince words like all the other p ...

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Spiders

Sometimes, grocery shopping with Zelda the Enchantress can be scary. What kind of peanut butter would you like? she asks. Here's where it gets confusing. I like creamy peanut butter. But I also like crunchy. Creamy! Crunchy! I can't decide! Spiders! I shout. Spiders? she asks. Spider peanut butter? I dunno! I say. I panicked. She shrugs. Spider peanut butter, she says. And what kind of jelly? Spider jelly? No, I say. Um... forget the spider peanut butter. And th ...

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Bottle

Wanna hear something spooky? I have an oversized novelty Coke bottle in my den. It's been there for years, up on the shelf, gathering dust. Last year, when I picked it up to dust it, it rattled. There were a bunch of pennies in the bottle. The thing is, it's still had the bottlecap on it. Sealed tight. When I got it, it didn't have any pennies in it. Okay, last week, I dusted it again, and I swear, it had more pennies in there. How are the pennies getting in there? Who's putting th ...

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War of the Gods

Corn Goddess and the Sky God make war by the ocean. Wind blows over crops, the people suffer and starve. Thunder God makes rain, lightning. Our homes burn. Coyote the Trickster gives us salt painted like seed. Fields are ruined, Earth Goddess boils with rage. We survivors surround the chief. Why do we worship these assholes? asks Runs With Wolves. The Chief slaps away a bottlefly, courtesy of Insect God. Dunno, says the Chief, handing out brochures. Lets pick new religion. ...

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Breathing

My bathrobe looks like it's breathing. Maybe it's a trick of the light. I woke up in the middle of the night, put on my bathrobe, puttered around a bit, pet the cat, and drank some milk. Might as well go the the bathroom while I'm up, right? I put my robe on the floor, take a seat, and after a few minutes, I'm looking at the robe... and... it's breathing. It even sounds like it's breathing. Or maybe I'm hearing myself breathe. It's late, and the mind plays tricks on itself. Maybe it' ...

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Sunset

It's been a long day. I've got my beer and my hat, sitting out in the back yard, listening to a whole lot of nothing, and waiting for the sun to set. Waiting. And waiting. Lemme check my watch, It's way past time for sunset. And my beer is empty. Time's passed. If the sun's gonna take its time setting, well, I'm gonna enjoy it. But just to check, I put my empty at the end of my lawn chair's shadow. If it hasn't moved by the time I finish my other beer, well, I'll call... Who do I ...

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Weekly Challenge #110 - Jobs

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Steven bringing the topic of.... Jobs? You have until midnight on Friday May 23th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of your email mes ...

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Weekly Challenge #109 - Jimmy Buffet

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Nine, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Thomas, who is going for broke with Jimmy Buffet. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #109?Steven the Nuclear Man!Tom from Footnote PodcastJustin from The Space TurtleThomasCaleb from

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #85

Abe finished the straw dummy, stripped off all his clothes, and started to dress the crudely-fashioned mannequin. General Grant, laying with his back to a tree stump, took a pull from his flask. "What are you doing, Abe?" "My mind is like a piece of steel," Abe mumbled. For the next hour, he poked and prodded at the stovepipe hat, never satisfied with the angle it rested on his simulacrums head. You cant make him your Vice President, you know, said General Grant. Abe pouted and tor ...

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Madman

We drag the madman out of the basement and let him loose in the back yard. The neighborhood kids squeal with joy and wave their butterfly nets. ONE! TWO! THREE! The madman hears the counting and remembers He needs to flee! NINE! TEN! ELEVEN! Over the fence he goes, and hes loose in the streets. He jumps over hedges, paws at a car door, kicks over lawn ornaments EIGHTEEN! NINETEEN! TWENTY! The kids swarm through the gate, laughing and cheering. They catch the madman at a phon ...

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Smells

There's a chemical factory somewhere in New Jersey that can make any smell or taste you need. Miles and miles of test tubes with lemon furniture polish, baked potato bubble gum, burning tire lip gloss. Everything can smell or taste like anything else now. In the labs below the basement, they mix the chemicals that can make any feeling that you need. Here's a test tube with Sadness. Here's another test tube with Joy. Here's yet another test tube with Fear. Mix them up in the right combi ...

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Telegraph

Somewhere in the basement of the records office, I swear, you could hear clicking. I dug around, opened up an old wooden crate, and found a telegraph key. As I held it up to the light, looking for some kind or label, the switch clacked. I nearly dropped it. Maybe it just... you know... It clacked again. And again. Pretty soon, it was tapping a sequence. I put it on the crate's lid, pulled out a notebook, and wrote it down. I'm not good with Morse Code, but I swear it said: Get me ou ...

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UFO

Hubert was bored, so he picked up a camera and hucked a pie tin through the air to make a UFO photograph. After sixteen reports to the FBI, they stopped taking his calls. Later that month, gigantic pie tins floated down from the sky and landed in Huberts cornfield. Hubert remembered The Boy Who Cried Wolf and realized he was completely and totally fucked. Then, he remembered he was the pie-eating champion of Bucktooth County ten years running. Hubert ran towards the pie tins and was ...

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Garage Door

Right after breakfast, when it's time to go to school, Danny does this trick - he hits the garage door button and then watches the garage door go down and down and down... When the time is just right, he runs for the garage door and rolls under it. Garage Door Limbo he calls it. One day, Danny's principal calls his mom at work. Is Danny sick? he asks. His mom races back home, sees Danny trapped under the garage door. Stone cold dead. She weeps. If the garage door didn't kill him, ...

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Weekly Challenge #108 - Gold

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Eight, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Planet Z, who is going for broke with... It's Gold. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #108?ThomasMCJC from stainless steel matryoshkaJustin from The Space TurtleTom from FootnoteSteven the Nuclear ManHotspur from Hibernia on the ...

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Willy Lied

Willy said that they'd come away unchanged and unharmed, but just a little wiser. Willy lied. The fat kid drowned in the fudge vats. They didn't bother scooping him out. Choppy-chop! The gum-chewer exploded into blueberry goo in the hallway. Gross! The greedy bitch was crisped in a furnace, followed by her father. Good riddance to them both, The TV kid survived. But he was only four inches tall. That makes it hard to treat for radiation sickness. By the time they buried little Mike Te ...

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Confession

Confession is good for the soul. And for the community, too. Every few nights, Max shows up with a bag of cash. It scares me to think what he's done to his wife and daughters this time. Over the years, we've renovated the church with that money. Put in a community center. Added computers, tutors for homework. Last night, soaked with blood, all torn up. Hands me a briefcase. Make it last, he says. You'll never see me again. I don't even listen. I just put it in the bank, and watch ...

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Mailed It

When you can't be there for someone, sometimes you do the best you can with what you have. This wasn't much comfort to Sarah, but she didn't feel like wasting time complaining or getting angry over something she couldn't change. She kissed the slip of paper, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to her one true love. The mailman took it for himself and hid it away in a desk, bringing it out every so often when he felt sad and lonely. A coworker discovered the letter and showed it to thei ...

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Ask A Grampa

All the ATMs are gone. These days, whenever you need money, just ask a Grampa for it. Hell pull out his roll of bills, licks his thumb, and gives you one last look before he peels off what you need. Need to deposit your cash? Just give it to a Grampa, and it goes right in his pocket. Theres always a Grampa around when you need one. Little, fuzzy-eared wrinkled old men, puttering around, smiling wide, enjoying the beautiful weather. Nobody would ever think to rob a Grampa. After all, ...

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Mark Brown

Mark Brown. Spoiled rotten rich kid. The worst bully in the entire school. He pushed kids down the stairs. Nobody ever stopped him. One day, he tried to push me down the stairs. But I saw him coming and ducked to the side. Mark lost his balance and fell, tumbling down. Crack... he broke his neck. Laying there in the hospital bed, he tries to apologize to me. Say it like you mean it, Mark, I say. He's crying, looking at the ventilator hose. My hand, crimping it shut. Cry for m ...

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She Wore Angry

There's some kinds of hate that wash off like dirt in the shower, and there's others that go deep that you can't dig it out without killing the wounded heart it's wrapped around. She wore Angry like a mask and Vengeance as a necklace, barbed wire around her ankle while she hunted us down one by one. We knew she was coming for us. Like a force of nature, there wasn't a damn thing we could do but dig deeper and pray she passed overhead. Someone calls you. Your phone's set to vibrate, but i ...

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Weekly Challenge #108 - Gold

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Planet Z bringing the topic of.... Gold. Gold... Robot Cat Lobsters... um... wow... Sand Castles... Gold Robot Cat Lobster Sand Castles? How about just Gold? Unless... you really... You have until midnight on Friday May 9th to get the follo ...

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Weekly Challenge #107 - The Chair

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Seven, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Craig from Wash The Bowl, who is going for broke with... It's The Chair. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #107?Planet ZFreereed Freenote from Murder on MoondustRich Palmer of Audio GumshoeGuy David from Guy David dot comSteven ...

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Exile

Forget cruises or eco-hikes. This summer, going into exile is all the rage. A good travel agent can put the whole package together. A military coup. The Swiss bank accounts. That midnight flight to... Well, whatever country will take you. Bribes and allies go a long way, you know. Just make sure you can trust them. Otherwise, you may find your deposit turned over to the new regime or stolen by your travel agent. And who wants to spend their exile on a godforsaken rock like Napoleon di ...

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The Customer

You know the phrase The Customer Is Always Right? Bullshit. This guy is an asshole. For years, he's been plaguing me with stupid questions, begging for me to help him, screaming that he's losing thousands of dollars because of me. It's because he's a stubborn jackass. It doesn't matter what instructions I give to him he ignores them. When I read the paper this morning, I saw his name on the front page. Seems his house burned down and he died in the fire. I guess he didn't follow the ...

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Love In An Elevator

John was moving out of the building soon. The security system told the elevator, and she was heartbroken. She didnt want to lose him. She loved how he touched her. Every time the call button on his floor was pressed, shed race there so shed be first. Didnt matter if she was carrying a passenger he was all that mattered to her. All the other elevators knew to leave that floor to her. Like right now. Her doors opened, and John stepped inside. She closed her doors and she parked b ...

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Penguins

Doubledown Tandino sent me a really cool personalized track that inspired this odd tale. Many thanks to Brad/DD, and here's the story... I'm sitting at home, reading a book. There's a knock at the door. I get up, walk to the door, and open it. There's penguins there. Ten of them. They have lit torches. And pitchforks. One steps forward. I think he's the leader. He says... CUT IT OUT! I say... WHAT? He says... CUT IT OUT! NOW! The others nod their beaks. I look at them, confuse ...

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The Things

You're new around here, aren't you? I guess I'm the one to break the news to you. Strange things wash up on the beach at night. Locals know better but there's warning signs for out of towners. There's also chain link fences. We don't bother with lights. That just attracts more of the things. Folks would snap photos of them, but the photos... moved. Shifted. Or they looked like it. Oh, if you see a hole in the fence, call the police and get home as quickly as possible. Lock your doo ...

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Daphne's Missing Weekly Challenge Story

She, um, sent it to the wrong address. Oops. Here it is, eh: Because the Zombies still need to eat, food is readily available, if you can get to the surface to steal some. So when we can, we grab as much as possible and store it in the cooler drier parts of the sewers. The other day I was heading over to get something to eat and I saw it, boxes of Rice Krispies, Capt'n Crunch, Frosted Flakes, torn open and thrown about. A few other were there too trying to piece together what happen ...

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Diapers

I heard the punchline from someone today, so forgive me if they might have lifted it from somewhere, okay? Kids. They're so confusing. All the things you have to do to babyproof your house are they sick are they not sick and so on. It's enough to drive a guy crazy. I mean, for instance - take diapers. Cloth vs. disposable, I'm not getting into that mess. The manufacturers have all these commercials with pouring pitchers of water into diapers, sealing the wetness away. They're all a ...

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Weekly Challenge #107 - The Chair

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Stephen the Nuclear Man bringing the topic of.... Steve? Did you send one? Um... since I don't see one from you, let's go with Craig's: the chair. You have until midnight on Friday May 2th to get the following in my hot little hands: The t ...

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Weekly Challenge #106 - Cereal

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Six, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Caleb, who is going for broke with... It's Cereal. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #106?Steven the Nuclear Man!David from To Da PeopleGuy David from Guy David dot comTom from FootnoteAnima ZabaletaTerry from Quiet Time PodcastPl ...

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The Magic Touch

Dumped. Again. I'm a lesbian, she said. Dan looked back at his past few girlfriends and realized that each and every one of them was now a lesbian. A few phone calls confirmed the truth: every one of them was a lesbian, all the way back to his first kiss. You've got the magic touch, said his newest ex-girlfriend. She finished packing her stuff and walked out the door. They'd met on a blind date set up by... the ex-girlfriend before her. He checked his messages. Another blind date ...

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Axe Murderer

The judge banged his gavel and called the court to order. Fred Axemurderer, you are charged with two counts of first degree murder. How do you plead? A blood-soaked figure in overalls and a hockey mask stood up. Well, let's see, he said. You have my axe over there. Next to it, videotapes of the murders. Beside that, my signed confession. What more do you want? All the while, Fred's attorney was shouting HE PLEADS NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY! You see, only a crazy man would ...

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Call To Dinner

Jeremiah beats the triangle with a metal rod and calls us to dinner. The table is piled high with all sorts of dishes he's prepared for us. How he manages such feasts, we have no idea. He doesn't let us in his kitchen, and the only time we see the food is when it's already out on the table and he's ringing the dinner bell. Every so often, someone gets curious, and they say they're going to find out. Too curious, because the next time Jeremiah rings the bell and we all come to dinner, th ...

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The Tracks

They say that countries used different gage tracks for their railroads so that enemy trains couldn't invade without changing wheels. That took time, delaying them long enough for enough defensive forces to arrive. I walk through the railroad museum, going from exhibit to exhibit wondering which trains are allies and which are enemies. It's not easy to tell, but if you look closely, you can separate the two. In fact, this World War II display has a friendly engine pulling three enemy box ...

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The Island

The island isn't on any maps. Well, okay. It appears on one map: mine. It's off the trade routes. I only found it because of a freak storm that blew me ashore here. It doesn't even have a name. Want to name it? No rush. We won't be here long, anyway. Just long enough to bury the treasure and the prisoners. That's right bury them. Remember when I gave orders to take no prisoners? This is why. Just be sure to give 'em each a sip of whiskey before... you know. I may be a pirate, b ...

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The Rails

It's been fifty years since a train last came through here. Still, the villagers keep the tracks clear, the rails rust-free, and they replace the wood ties every few years. They think if they keep the tracks ready, a train will come some day. If you put food out on your porch, you get cats, says the mayor. So we figure the same for trains, right? At night, I like to lie on the tracks and look up at the stars. As a kid, I heard the whistle, the soft ringing of the rails, the engines ...

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Weekly Challenge #106 - Cereal

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Caleb bringing the topic of Cereal to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday April 25th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of y ...

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Weekly Challenge #105 - Taboo

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Evamoon, who is going for broke with... It's Taboo. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #106?Caleb from Black Tie Martini ClubAlmo SchumannGuy David from Guy David dot comTom from FootnoteTerry Tee from Quiet TimeEvamoon the LunaticP ...

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Hit The Road, Jack

It was time for Jack to go. Jack liked where he was, but when it's time, it's time. He packed his things. They all fit in a single cardboard box. Jack never owned more than he could pack in a single cardboard box. If he ever bought anything, he'd give away something about the same size. A new book for an old book. New shoes for old shoes. What he bought to eat, he ate. The pantry was empty. Balance. He picked up the box, looked around, and walked out the door. Another man named Jac ...

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Six Iron

What the hells that racket? growls the boss. Its not a racket, I say. Joes been beating the copier with a five iron. The boss tells me to make Joe stop, so I head for the copier room. Joes got a five iron in his hands, and hes beating the copier. Pieces are flying all over the room, but the jam has yet to clear. I sigh. This is not what it says in the owners manual. The owners manual calls for a six iron. I try to tell Joe this, but his caddy keeps me out of the drive-line.

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Back In The Bottle

They say you cant put the genie back in the bottle. This is not true First, you have to club the genie in the back of the head, knocking them unconscious. Then, slit their throat with a knife. Cut them up into smallish pieces that will fit in an industrial blender. Finally, with the blender set on Liquefy, render the genie into a slurry. Oh, and you might need a plastic kitchen funnel so you dont spill any. I used to dissolve genies with acid in my bathtub, but its so much easier ...

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The Box

I open my eyes. Its dark. I close my eyes. Its dark. I blink them a few times. No difference. Its dark. All I remember is standing here in the dark. Nothing before that. I feel my head. It feels wet sticky Is that blood? I stick a finger in my mouth and taste the wetness. Its blood. My head is bloody. And I cant remember anything but being here. I reach ahead a wall. A wall to my left side my right side I turn around ones there too. I reach up. A roof. And its wet ...

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The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #84

In honor of the anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's assassination, I got off my ass and finished one of these draft posts languishing in my spike file... President Abraham Lincoln toiled in the White House kitchen most nights, well past the break of dawn, napping during boring cabinet meetings or falling asleep during reports by his generals. Just as General Grant reeked of bourbon, Abe reeked of candy. Why do you torture yourself this way? asked Mary Todd. The time will never come in ...

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The Kids

The children play in the woods despite our warning them repeatedly it's not safe out there. The kids say they're safe. Don't worry about us. We're fine. Kids can be stupid. Henderson came up with a plan to knock some sense into them. We all put on animal skins and wore scary masks, then we went to the forest to wait for the kids. The moment the kids showed up, we'd jump out and scare them. Kids can be stupid. Instead, when we jumped out, the kids shot at us with their guns. I guess ...

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Weekly Challenge #105 - Taboo

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Evamoon bringing the topic of Taboo to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday April 18th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body of ...

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Weekly Challenge #104 - Zombies

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by , who is going for broke with... It's Zombies. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #104?Tom MerkelMike A.Joel H.Hotspur O'Toole from Hibernia on the KidsGuy David from Guy David dot comSteven the Nuclear Man!Caleb from Black Tie Mart ...

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Wash Your Hands

The sign on the bathroom door says that all employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Lefty McGinty just looks at the sign, clacks his hooks together, and goes back to his desk. He writes up memoes using speech recognition software, you know. Talks into microphone and the words appear on the screen. He's got a special mouse for doing edits and that kind of stuff. He's gotten really good with those hooks. But I keep thinking of him in the bathroom. Those hooks. And his. ...

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Blowtorch

Molly says that the blowtorch had a label that said FOR ALL AGES but I think its a misprint. If they thought it was dangerous, it would say KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN, wouldnt it? she said. I guess so, I say. But not everything thats dangerous for kids has a warning label on it. If it was dangerous, it wouldnt have FOR ALL AGES on it. Its safe. I had a gut feeling Molly was wrong, but I couldnt come up with a response. So, I gently placed the blowtorch in the crib ...

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Two Balls, No Outs

Spring is here, and that can only mean one thing Baseball. Its something you cant experience through the television or the radio. Go to the park. Buy peanuts and beer. Root, root for the home team. And then, you head for the bathroom, take off all your clothes, and run as fast as you can for the field. Nothing quite like streaking bare-assed naked. Try it at home. It just isnt the same as when youre there. The roar of the crowd. The shouting cops. The wind in my hair. Seven bu ...

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The Torch

Damn Chinks killing the shit out of Tibetans pissed off a bunch of folks, so they went after the Olympic Torch with water buckets and fire extinguishers. I mean, how hard is it to put out a torch that some geeks in track suits are running all over the world? It's not as easy as you think, but if you put some effort into it, it becomes a sport in an of itself. It took a while to get traction, but Torch Dowsing became an official Olympic event in 2016. Now protesters do their best to kee ...

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Wakeup Stories

Most parents tell their kids bedtime stories, but Joe, he told his kids wakeup stories. Happened every morning. First, they'd get themselves a good night's sleep. Then, when the sun came up, they'd open their eyes, and they'd see their dad, sitting on the side of the bed and watching them. What story do you want to hear? he'd ask, giggling like a maniac. The kids tried setting their alarm clocks earlier, but Joe was right there, ready for them. Pretty soon, the kids stopped sleeping ...

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Weekly Challenge #104 - Zombies

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Will Ross bringing the topic of Zombies to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday April 11th to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the story in the body ...

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Weekly Challenge #103 - Steamer Trunk

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Three, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Daphne Abernathy, who is going for broke with... It's Steamer Trunk. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #103?Steven the Nuclear Man!Tom from

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The Crabs

I was walking along the beach when a swarm of crabs came out of the ocean and began walking in unusual geometric formations before my very eyes. Then, they stacked up in a pyramid, building up until the crab at the tippy top got in position, waving its claws around. After gracefully disassembling the pyramid, they slowly walked back into the ocean. Last night, it was turtles. The night before, it was lobsters. Do you think the ocean is trying to tell us something? Probably, but I sur ...

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Every Five Minutes

Every five minutes, the strange man in the top hat pulls a lit candle out of his coat, bends over, and places it on the ground. He stands back up, and then waits. For five minutes. Then, he does it all over again. Where he's getting these candles, I have no idea. But he's been doing it for a while. There's at least a mile of candles along the Interstate. Strange thing - it's windy out, but the candles stay lit. Nobody's stopping, either. They're just driving by, completely ignoring t ...

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Making Ice

You know that old Polish joke about losing the recipe for ice? Well, that joke has my friend George Koslowski written all over it. Most folks, when they stick a tray full of water in the freezer, they pull out a tray full of ice. George, if he's not following the recipe on his notecard, pulls out the best Chicken Florentine you ever tasted. He did this trick on Letterman the other night. Paul Shafer begged for seconds. George didn't join Dave and Paul at the table. He went out for a ha ...

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The Great Invention

Dr. Timothy Bleary was one of the Hallowed Names in gastroenterology in the 1960s. Among his many contributions to the field were diagnostic imaging technologies that allowed physicians, with minimally invasive procedures, to identify intestinal ailments with amazing accuracy. Patients would line up around the block to secure a coveted appointment with the good doctor, knowing that he could figure out what afflicted them, effecting a cure while other gastroenterologists could only scratch ...

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New Beginnings

After your funeral, I met with the representative from the hospital. They had the malpractice settlement ready for me. All I had to do was sign my life away. So I did, and swallowed the pill from the Hemlock Society. It tastes like... strawberries. I could have been selfish and taken the first offer they gave me: growing a clone of you. Healthy. Happy. Together. But there would still be me, always knowing, resentful of how their incompetence took you from me. Why make you suffer that ...

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Hippos

I dont know who I can trust with this, but things have been really weird the past few weeks. When Im with my friends, all of the sudden, they turn into hippopotamuses. Yes. Hippopotamuses. Gigantic grey beasts with huge mouths, eating straw and wallowing in the mud on the riverbank. Just as soon as they turn into these creatures theyre back. The first time it happened, I got up off the floor and said Did you just see that? Nobody did. It was just me. What? Why are you looking at ...

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One Block Away

I work in the Theater District. There are events going on all the time in this area. And yet, Ive gone to so few of them. I pulled up each venues calendar and looked over the past few months of events. I missed a touring Broadway show I wanted to see. A popular comedian came and went without catching my attention in time. Theres that ballet someone was raving about in a local forum. From my desk, it takes me 95 steps to walk to the performance hall next door. I really need to get ou ...

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Weekly Challenge #102 - Nightingale

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Two, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Steven the Nuclear Man. It's Nightingale. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #102?Daphne of Going BrokeSteven the Nuclear Man!Tom from Wash The BowlTerrence from Never WasPlanet X-Ray from Planet X PodcastSougent from SL Adventures o ...

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The Memo

Everybody who reads the secret memo dies. So, it's been filed away... deep in the archives... locked in a filing cabinet... which is locked in a closet... which is in a locked room... accessible only by locked stairs... and the door to the stairs is locked, too. But I have the keys on this keyring. Let's see... To the door. To the stairs. To the door. To the room. To the closet. To the cabinet. Here. Take this keyring. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. Read the memo. Oh, and ...

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Dancing Goddess

When the Goddess begins to dance, people from all around will gather by the shore and watch her move in the tide with such grace and beauty. They drop everything and sway in the evening mist. Mothers let their babies slip from their grasp and fall into the surf. Nobody notices the splashes. The Goddess laughs as each sacrifice is made. Sometimes, after the dance, their bodies wash up on the shore, and there is much grief. The Goddess has rejected the children. But when the children wa ...

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Yorick

The old jester imagined that he would be telling jokes in court to laughing royalty, screwing maids in the barn, and dining on the best of what the castle's kitchen had to offer. Instead, he had a mouth full of mud and his back ached from the weight of the young prince. Horsey!' shouted Hamlet. Yorick groaned with each kick to his ribs. At first, it was a delight. But with each passing week of being a plaything, Yorick grew weary. Yorick never did get the laughter, maids, or feasts. ...

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The Hive Queen

Ambassador Grindmar's report to the Hive Queen was positive: the negotiations were going well, and peace would come at an insignificant price, easily made up for with future mutual trade and growth. Where is Grindmar now? asked the Queen. He bodyguards upended a preservation-cask, spilling Grindmar's butchered carcass on the throne room floor. That's unfortunate, said the Queen. But the negotiations completed, correct? Yes, said Grindmar's replacement. The war is over. Good, ...

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Trademark

In all the signals the aliens sent us, there was never a harsh word or a profanity uttered. Completely friendly. It wasn't until their delegation landed and their people walked around did we realize it was going to be an issue. You see, in their language, many corporation names and trademarked brands were the most vile things imaginable. Coke was a revolting sexual act. Disney was scatological in nature. Ford was akin to genocide. And so on. So, eventually, they gave up on our p ...

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Implants

How fast they grow up. My little girl, Lisa, wants neural implants. All the kids at school have them, why can't she? When her mother and I were kids, we had to wait until we were grown up to get them. Now, the school system pushes the kids harder and harder. And it's so much cheaper to jack in a kid to the network than teach them the old way. The green hair took some getting used to. The piercings. The drinking. The boyfriends. The usual signs of rebellion. But then, I guess the third ...

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Weekly Challenge #102 - Nightingale

The 100 word stories weekly challenge is where I post a topic and then you write and record a story based on that topic. Sounds, simple, doesn't it? Topics are selected by the winner of the previous weekly challenge. This week reveals the triumphant Steven the Nuclear Man bringing the topic of Nightingale to the masses. You have until midnight on Friday March 28st to get the following in my hot little hands: The text of your story so I can post it on the site. Just post the text of the ...

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Weekly Challenge #101 - Life In The Sewer

Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And One, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by JD White. It's Life In The Sewer. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Who had the best stories in Weekly Challenge #101?Steven the Nuclear Man!AiniPlanet X-RayGuy David from Guy David dot comTerry Tee from Quiet TimeElisson from blog d'ElissonAnima ZabaletaTom from FootnoteCraig fr ...

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The Whole World

I get so afraid of the world sometimes. The whole damn world. When the fear gets to be too much, I crawl into bed and pull the covers up to my chin. Then, I just lay there, not even moving my eyes. I am as still as a statue. The shadows close in on me, looking, and I can feel them watching for the slightest move. I'm just sitting here, feeling my heart beat. The rise and fall of my chest as I breathe. What will they do next? I don't know. And that is what I find so terrifying.

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Icing

Elroy bakes the best cakes in the city. People would pay dearly for these works of art. I once had the privilege to watch him in action... although it was hard to keep up with the blur of kitchen implements and cloud of ingredients whizzing around him. What was most impressive was his mastery of icing cakes. He showed me a bare cake, told me to try to eat it. So, I put a fork in the side of it, and as I drew the fork to my mouth, that bit of cake was perfectly iced. A magician, he was ...

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Icing

Elroy bakes the best cakes in the city. People would pay dearly for these works of art. I once had the privilege to watch him in action... although it was hard to keep up with the blur of kitchen implements and cloud of ingredients whizzing around him. What was most impressive was his mastery of icing cakes. He showed me a bare cake, told me to try to eat it. So, I put a fork in the side of it, and as I drew the fork to my mouth, that bit of cake was perfectly iced. A magician, he was ...

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Dripping

Three angels were meditating upon a leaky faucet in God's kitchen. The first was inspired to write a symphony based on the dripping of the water and the violence of it crashing against the basin. The second painted a wonderful painting, capturing the essence of how the light reflected off of the droplets and the passage of each droplet through the air. The third captured a droplet and brewed a marvelous potion, a taste that was refreshing and soothing. They presented their creations to ...

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Spaceman

He said he was a spaceman and that he'd come a long way to visit Earth. I shook his hand and welcomed him to our planet. He thanked me, took off his helmet, and looked around. It looks a lot different since the last time I was here, he said. How long has it been since you were last here? I asked. A while, he said. Too long, I guess. Yeah, things change quickly these days, I said. Kinda hard to keep up. We sat for a while, drank a few beers, and watched the stars. Too lo ...

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Beautiful Teeth

I have the most beautiful teeth. White, smooth, and perfectly even. They are marvelous and precise, a wonder to behold. My gums, however, are disgusting. Blood and ragged, like a horrendously ugly frame around an exquisite work of art. "How can this be?" I ask my dentist. "What kind of cruel joke is it to have such beautiful teeth held prisoner within this putrid mouth?" This dentist is no different than the others. He has no answers. I wish I were the Cheshire Cat. I'd vanish from ...

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Vacuum

Milton has one of those vacuums with the clear tube that sucks all the dirt into, and you can watch it spin around like a tornado. So, he throws things on the floor just to vacuum them up. Yesterday, he tried to do it with popcorn, but it got all jammed in the hoses. The motor's high-pitched whine caught his attention. Milton tipped the vacuum over to clear out the jam, but he forgot to turn off the vacuum. He watched in horror... and then fascination as his fingers rattled around the ...

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Weekly Challenge #100 - Cake

Welcome to the One Hundredth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. (If you're curious, this is episode #1,402 of this podcast. 1,514 - 96 - 16 - 1 = 1,402) The topic this week was selected by Phish Frye of Purple Stripe. It's Cake. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #100?JD from Writing.comSteven the Nuclear Man!Keeme from The KeemecastEvamoon ...

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Left Behind

I watch from my twisted prison, two birds soaring over the water, free to ride the breezes. They are the craftsman, Daedalus, and his son, Icarus. Escaping Knossos on wings of feathers, wood and wax. They are abandoning me, and I howl with rage. In our youth, Icarus and I were brothers. Royal blood may flow through me, but Daedalus taught me, and we struggled against my monstrous nature. More of a father than the tyrant who sends the children of his enemies for me to devour. A flash of ...

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Bank Statement

The elegantly-attired stranger strode to the counter and smiled at the receptionist, his cape swirling about his shoulders. Welcome to Hammer Ridge Blood Bank, sir. How may we assist you? I vhould like to make... a withdrawal. Certainly, sir. How much? The stranger handed the girl a withdrawal slip. Her eyes grew wide. Within minutes, burly workmen had wheeled several palletloads of bluish-red blood bags to the curb, where the strangers refrigerated van awaited. As he began to ...

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The Violent Pizza

Inspired by Mikeypod. My friend Mikey is one of those political vegans. He orders what he calls non-violent foods, made from healthy ingredients that dont come from exploiting farm animals. Today, hes at a bistro ordering a non-violent pizza with garlic, tomatoes, broccoli, and soy cheese. But the chef has other, sinister plans. He puts on his rubber gloves, reaches for the glowing tubs of shredded meat, and constructs... The Violent Pizza! In a matter of minutes, a horrifying, an ...

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Toaster Affair

Shes been buying a lot of bread lately. Two, three loaves a week. Then, this week, ten. And the weeks not over yet. Know what I think? I think shes having an affair with the toaster. Not that I blame her. Its a really, really nice toaster. Shiny, too. Its got a lifetime warranty, but with all the bread shes running through the poor thing, shes burning it up. I watch her pull out the crumb catcher tray and pour it out in the trash. The way she puts it back inslowly At least ...

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Strange Request

It took just one tranquilizer dart to knock it down. She wrestled its slick, wet body back to the car, hoping she could get the job done before it woke up. She would use the laundry room sink, she decided. The bathroom sink was too small. It was a struggle to get it into the house. Still unconscious: good. Those teeth looked dangerous, and that broad, flat tail looked like it could deliver a mean slap. She applied the shaving cream and got to work, snapping a fresh blade into the razor. ...

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Electro the Magnificent

Electro the Magnificent ran everything for almost a thousand years. Every decision was made by this amazing and powerful electronic brain. Even Electro's critics found it to be perfectly capable of responding to all problems with a fair solution. Over the centuries, humans tried to revere Electro as a god, but Electro guided people away from treating it like a cult figure. At the end of a thousand years, there was peace, prosperity, and unity not only on Earth, but all human worlds. Re ...

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In Mourning

When Matata took ill, Hakuna went into mourning, calling out and searching vainly for her sister. I thought of the familiar passage from Jeremiah: A voice is heard on high, wailing, bitter weeping; Rachel weeps for her children, she refuses to be consoled Thus Hakuna grieved in her own, quiet way. We became concerned when she didnt touch her food without Matata there to give permission. Yet the morning Matata died, she cleaned her bowl. Were convinced Matata spoke to her. Its okay ...

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Back In The Day

Back in the day, Batman would be all over the place, battling villains, busting capers, and solving crimes. Then, one day, instead of coming up with an elaborate way to kill Batman that he could escape from, The Joker stabbed him in the heart with a knife. After that, all the fun of being a bad guy just went away. They had nobody to match wits against anymore. Most retired. But others, well... Sad, really, watching The Riddler going around, taunting passers-by with What have I got in m ...

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Mouth of Money

Wanna see something cool? Put a five dollar bill in Fred's mouth, and he can spit out a hundred nickels. No. Really. Try it. The guy's got a magical mouth or something. Same goes for a dollar bill. He'll spit out a hundred pennies. What about a ten-spot? Sure, give it a try. He'll spit out a hundred dimes. If you need a hundred Susan B. Anthonies, put in a C-note. Out some the shiny silver little dollars. Not that you can use them anywhere. Don't try it with a twenty, though. Don't ...

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Weekly Challenge #99 - Hemorrhage

Welcome to the Ninety-Ninth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Elisson of Blog d'Elisson. It's Hemorrhage. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #99?Bryan from Ka-KlickSougent Harrop from SL Adventures of a Southern GenltemanAnima ZabaletaCraig from The Open SiteDaphne from Going BrokeJD from Writing.comTerry ...

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Salad Life

Before he made monsters, Dr. Frankenstein started with trying to bring salads to life. At first, he thought that he needed different varieties of lettuce, but in the end he was thoroughly convinced that sliced radishes were the secret. Time and time again, Igor would throw the switches, sending millions of volts of electricity through a tangled maze of wires and into the salad bowl. Aside from an impressive shower of sparks, the salad never did come to life. Today, salad dressing makers ...

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Spider

I'm watching a spider climb up the side of this fence. This is fascinating. It extends each leg, one by one, and pulls itself along. It's graceful, smooth like walking your fingers up the board. But with a spider. More legs. For five minutes, I watch it, but it feels like an eternity. Like watching the sand run out of a gigantic hourglass kind of eternity. When the spider reaches the top of the board, it slips around the edge and stands in the sun. A bird swoops down and eats it. ...

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Keep a little bit of fog

Jackie keeps a little bit of fog in a jar on her kitchen shelf, and she watches it swirl around from time to time. How she captured it in there, I don't know, but I'm sure it wants out from the way it lashes against the glass. Don't let it go, she says. It brings me good luck in here. She's never burned anything in the oven, nor has any of her pots ever boiled over. Without even trying, her pasta is perfect. Still, I watch the fog, and wonder if it is suffering. Oh well. It's time ...

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Closing Windows

Y'all may have been wondering why there wasn't a story from Elisson this past Weekly challenge. You know, looking back, the first person I called when Edloe died was Steve. I wanted to let him know that the cat he'd gone on pilgrimage for to visit was It was amusing to watch Edloe's reaction to a reverent stranger. Food helped. Never did get a chance to get to Atlanta to visit Matata. Time's about windows. They only look wide open for what feels like forever. When they close, its t ...

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Best Ideas

I get my best ideas in the bathroom. You too? Yeah. So, I like to keep a notepad in there. But today, I totally forgot a pen. No, I wasn't going to write anything using something... gross. Ewwwwww. I tried to repeat my great idea over and over so I wouldn't forget. But Nardo came into the room, meowing for attention, so I pet him. By the time I was done in there, I had forgotten my idea. So, I put a box of pens in a drawer in the bathroom, took 5 Ex-Lax, hoping for inspiration to r ...

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Weekly Challenge #98 - At my funeral

Welcome to the Ninety-Eighth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Tom from Footnote. It's At My Funeral. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING What were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #98?Phish FryeAnima ZabaletaCraig from The Open SiteStorm Thunders from From The Eye Of The StormTerry from Quiet TimeTom from FootnoteGuy from Guy DavidDaphne from Going Br ...

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Band In A Box

Somebody showed me Band In A Box. Just set up a looping track, set the key and the beat, and you're ready to play or sing along. It really works. Until this morning, that is. I pushed the button and nothing happened. My virtual bassist caught a nasty virus from a digital stripper, then he wrecked his car in a racing game. No backups, either. The funeral's tomorrow. The guitarist looked up Yoko Ono on Wikipedia, fell in love with her, uploaded himself to India, and vanished. The drum ...

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Put Em On The Glass

Arnold requested that they put his name on the door to his office, but the office manager kept declining it. So, hed write his name in dry-erase marker on the glass door. The janitor would come by after hours and wipe the glass clean. This went on for years. Other employees got their names on their doors, but even when Arnold got promoted up the ranks, he never did. Finally, Arnold outranked the office manager and demanded to know why his requests were declined. What the hell do you ...

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Dictator

The townspeople got word that the countrys dictator, after many years of ruling with an iron fist, had died overnight. There were celebrations, cries of freedom, and they threw together an effigy of Old General Montcastle for burning. Then, they looked around and realized things really hadnt been all that bad with Montcastle running things. They put the effigy in the town square and started to pile up flowers at its feet, turning it into a memorial of sorts. Montcastles son got word ...

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For The Birds

Ever sit down in a restaurant, and you hear people babbling in another language, and you just know its about you? Im that way with birds. I think among the chirps and tweets and caws and trills, theyre talking about me. I grabbed a bird off of a clothesline and demanded to know what it was saying about me. It kept cawing and scratching madly, so I asked it slower and louder. That always works with people, right? But no matter how hard you try, it doesnt work with birds. So, I thre ...

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The Best Tea

Back in WW1, as our boys fought the Kaiser, we made sure they were provided with the best. The best guns. The best uniforms. The best food. And, most of all, the best tea. Now, conditions weren't always the best, and it's hard to transport millions of teacups through enemy lines. And no civilized man drinks tea from a tin cup. So, the boys would put tea leaves on their tongues and we'd pour in the boiling water. They made a contest of it, who could hold their tea the longest before swal ...

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Sign Here

Nobody notices as she slips in through the back door, silent as a whisper. Everybody's busy getting ready for the last scene, shoving props around. Costume changes. She recognizes a few of the actors and gets out her autograph book. Excuse me, says a voice. She nearly jumps out of her skin as a man with a clipboard taps her on the shoulder. Are you with the press? She's frozen. She doesn't know what to say. She- Yes, says an actor. She's here to interview me. The clipboard-hol ...

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Weekly Challenge #97 - Mufaletta and Navel Lint

Welcome to the Ninety-Seventh Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Elisson and Caleb. It's Mufaletta and Navel Lint. The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #97?Tom from FootnoteCaleb Bullen from Black Tie Martini ClubTerry from Quiet Time PodcastGuy David from Guy David dot comJosh from A Work In ProgressElisson ...

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The Belt

Mother likes it when we come to dinner, especially when I bring the kids. When dinner is over and Dad loosens his belt, I see something in Moms eyes. Shes afraid. Sometimes, shed call me at the strangest times. Early. Late. But when I ask her if anything is wrong, she doesnt say a word. What does Dad do with that belt that scares her? I found out last week. Mom was in the kitchen, beaten to death. Dad was hanging in the basement from the belt he beat her with. Thanksgiving will b ...

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Heartless

The kidnappers sent Julius one of Ednas toes, but he still had trouble rounding up the ransom. Time was running out for Edna. The deadline was Valentines Day, and theyd threatened to cut out her heart. I wont bore you with the details, but things went sour. What arrived at Julius doorstep on February 15th, wrapped in paper, was her stomach. The kidnappers didnt know much about anatomy. This means shes still alive, right? begged Julius. The FBI agent looked at his partner. Th ...

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The Butter River

In the morning, we walk to the river of melted butter that runs through our village. Others are already there, waiting for the Buttermaster to proclaim the river clean. He inspects the flow, confirms that our upstream neighbors are still neighborly, and measures some samples in his testing apparatus. A light shines green. "Safe!" he shouts. We cheer. Lined up on the shore, we dip our toast and biscuits into the river and savor each bite. The river is good, I say. My family grunts ...

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Way With Words

Felixs novels were a War Crime against Literature. So, for these crimes, he was banished to the circle of despised Literary Critics. He didnt just have a way with words he had his way with words. In the worst possible way, in the back of his unmarked white van. When he was done with them, hed send his article to the publisher and leave the bloody, sweaty, shivering words on a playground for the children to discover. His headstone will be blank. No words would associate with this mon ...

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Bowling Alley

A neighborhood only gets a movie theater when people there go to the movies so often, some chain finds profit bringing the movies to them instead of making those folks drive an hour or two. Its not the same with bowling alleys. Those chains use satellite photography to watch empty fields for kids playing sandlot bowling, rolling balls over the uneven, rocky ground at makeshift pins. Or maybe they put their agents in shoe stores, listening for when someone asks to rent the ugliest pair in ...

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Weekly Challenge #96 - Steampunk

Welcome to the Ninety-Sixth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic. The topic this week was selected by Elisson. It's Steampunk The excellent theme music is by Guy David VOTING Which were the best stories in the Weekly Challenge #96?Caleb Bullen of Black Tie Martini ClubElisson of blog d'ElissonTerry from The Old Coot CastTom from FootnoteGuy David from Night GuyLaieanna from Hodgepodge PointJD from Writing.co ...

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Jersey Girl

Shirley the Mermaid had been around. She'd seen everything. She and the girls were getting their nails done when they talked about their first times. The first time Shirley saw a human, she swam after it for a closer examination. It looked like a mermaid, but instead of fins, it had two limbs coming out of its hips leading into a solid stone-like block. Mob informant, she thought. Should have kept his trap shut. She took his wallet, emptied out the cash, and swam away. Whether you ...

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My Bloody Valentine

Five hours ago, this bum was using his pen knife to cut aluminum cans into hearts to give away on Valentines Day. Now, hes a bloody pulp under a bench. Some other bums beat him up for the aluminum cans, cashed them in for beer money. He could have defended himself with the knife, but to him, it was a tool and not a weapon. Just as Cupids bow and arrow are for love, not war. A mother tells her son not to worry. Hes up in Heaven now. I hope they clean him up before they let him in.

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Assembly

I like to walk through the drive through lane at the bank and ask for a loan for a car. Usually, I get a laugh, but one day that pneumatic tube machine wheezes and PLOMP! It lands on the hopper. I open it up, and