WEST UNION, OH – Authorities remain puzzled as to exactly how a barracuda wound up clamped onto the head of a local man Thursday, in the first of a probable wave of shark attacks in the area.

Early Thursday morning, Jared Rodoni, 22, was found by his parents unconscious in their basement. The barracuda, holding onto Rodoni’s head at the ears, was easily dislodged by the parents. Rodoni was unhurt, but sleepy.

“I keep telling you people, it wasn’t a real barracuda,” Rodoni said. “It was a pair of Razer Barracuda HP-1 Gaming Headphones. Not a shark – headphones. I just fell asleep wearing them. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Examining the creature, marine biologist Debra Gilgis said it didn’t resemble any known barracuda species, which raises the possibility of a new, mutated super-barracuda capable of even more vicious attacks. “Look, I keep telling you, this isn’t any kind of barracuda,” Gilgis said. “It’s never even been alive. It looks like a headset or something. Why are you wasting my time like this?”

The mystery is deepened by the fact that West Union is located some 400 miles from the nearest ocean. Local aquariums did not report any missing barracudas at press time.

Asked how he thought this could have happened, Rodoni speculated: “I know exactly how it happened. I bought the Barracuda HP-1 for its gaming-friendly features: eight audio drivers for optimal positional audio, 99% oxygen-free copper cables, a built-in short-shaft microphone, and advanced noise cancellation. I brought it home and put it on. Fascinating, huh?”

Despite official assurances that citizens were in no danger, rumors of the incident spread panic throughout southwestern Adams County. “This is exactly what we’ve been worried about,” said Florence Gibson, local chapter president of the National Association of Paranoid Hysterics. “I’ve been saying it all along: nobody is safe from a shark attack. You think a few hundred miles of land can stop them? They’re killers. Killers.”

Although clearly shaken, Rodoni tried to downplay the attack in an interview with the Courier-Beacon. “Look, I told you guys: there was no shark attack. None. I’ve never even seen a real barracuda. What is wrong with you people? Are you that desperate to sell papers?”

Courier-Beacon representatives had no comment at press time.